“Rabbit season!”
“Duck season!”
“Rabbit season!”
“Duck season!”

It goes on like this for some time until a disheveled young girl in a pea soup-stained nightgown approaches, slaps them both senseless and growls, “exorcism season.”

Who knew? I must’ve missed the memo but it seems for the last couple of years that January has become the time to release exorcism movies. On the one hand, I’m pretty happy about having some of my favorite kind of supernatural horror to start the year. On the other hand, last year’s inaugural celebration of internal deviltry, “the Rite” was no great shakes.

This year’s entry, “the Devil Inside” sets the bar even lower.

The film starts in 1989 with a recording of a 911 call and “police footage” of a triple murder. More exactly, it’s an unauthorized exorcism of Maria Rossi (Suzan Crowley) that leaves two priests and a nun dead. Fast forward twenty years and we find Maria’s daughter Isabella (Fernanda Andrade) working with filmmaker Michael (Ionut Grama) trying to get to the bottom of what’s going on with her mom. Their efforts take them to the Vatican where they meet Ben (Simon Quarterman) and David (Evan Helmuth), a pair of rogue exorcists. The pair introduces Isabella and Michael to the world of spiritual warfare and agrees to examine Maria in order to determine if she’s possessed.

Of course, she is.

“The Devil Inside” is the first feature from director William Brent Bell since 2006’s “Stay Alive”. “Devil” is a movie that sleepwalks through most of the first half before it stirs groggily in the middle and then stumbles through the last act before it finally lurches abruptly to a stop. Fortunately, its journey isn’t difficult one since it cribs earlier exorcism (“The Last Exorcism” and “the Rite”) and found footage (“Paranormal Activity”) films. As I’ve said before, “great directors pay homage, lesser directors steal,” and brother, does this movie feel stolen. Plot points and signature shots are lifted from better movies and they aren’t hard to spot. And if that weren’t enough – despite the claims of its marketing – the movie just isn’t scary. If anything, it’s predictable: you can almost pick out where the jump scares are coming. Granted, it’s not all bad but I’d pin it close to about 98% bad. There were a few nice touches which I think only made things more frustrating..

The acting – as I am fond of saying – was solid. The actors did well with what they had but it wasn’t much. You could have just as easily pulled any of their characters from the Big Book of Horror Clichés: the Daughter Searching for Answers, the troubled Priests, the hapless Cameraman. This is a movie that simply gives us placeholders that simply move us through the story but no one to care about. Of course, that’s an unfortunate conceit of horror stories: you don’t need characters, just someone to walk through, make bad decisions and get abused. You certainly get that here.

“The Devil Inside” is what we’ve come to expect from big studio horror: a tired formula in new togs. It’s a disappointing start to the New Year. Maybe next season will be better.

The horror comedy “All American Zombie Drugs” will be playing two charity screenings at the Angelika Dallas December 9th and 10th with the proceeds going to Operation Kindness. Described as “Dude Where’s My Car” meets “Pineapple Express” with zombies, it’s an award winning feature film from this year’s AOF International Film Festival written and directed by Alex Ballar and stars Beau Nelson, Wolfgang Weber and Susan Graham.

Tickets for the event are $10 at the box office. A Q&A session with Ballar, Nelson and Weber will follow each screening. For more information, please visit http://www.twistedcentral.com, http://www.operationkindness.org, or http://www.zombiedrugs.com.

Such is the case with “the Thing”.

“The Thing” is a prequel to the 1982 film by John Carpenter of the same name, which itself was a remake of the 1954 movie, “The Thing From Another World”. In it, paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is asked by her friend Adam (Eric Christian Olsen) to join a Norwegian science team in Antarctica that has made a remarkable discovery. With little details and even less time to decide, she accepts the offer and travels to the bottom of the world to see what the scientists have found. The secret hiding beneath the ice is a spaceship thousands of years old. And an alien. While Kate advises caution in regards to the alien, the head of the Norwegian team, Dr. Halversen (Ulrich Thomsen) insists on getting invasive tissue samples. Things seem okay for a time but soon the dritt really hits the fan when the alien escapes.

Director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr’s first foray into feature film territory is a fine one. Perhaps it’s a regional trademark, but the feel of the movie reminded me a lot of the Swedish film, “Let the Right One In”. The colors are cool and the exteriors are beautifully shot. In close, he did a great job of creating a tense and claustrophobic atmosphere. The actors are solid across the board. Winstead – a new favorite of mine since her turn in “Scott Pilgrim vs the World” does a top-notch job as the paleontologist forced into a heroic, leader role. Joel Edgerton – last seen in the MMA-drama “Warrior” – is a serviceable stand-in for Kurt Russell-like pilot. A good chunk of the rest of the cast are Norwegian actors that I’m not terribly familiar with and, to me, they add a nice yet subtle layer of realism to the film. Early on, as they are setting up the story, all of the dialogue is in Norwegian. Big deal, you may say but it’s not a far stretch to imagine them doing the entire sequence in heavily-accented English. I happen to think it makes a positive difference.

If there is anything that I’m on the fence about, it would be the amount that this film cribs from Carpenter’s version. As a prequel that takes place immediately before the events in his film, it’s understandable that the feel is similar and that Heijningen went to great lengths to recreate it. However, there were points in the film where they not just copied the look, but also the scenes. It occasionally felt like a disappointing stumble as this film walked a fine line between paying homage and outright copying from what came before it. Genre fans will probably have a good time picking out all the nods to the Carpenter version and non-fans will just have a great movie to watch.

“The Thing” is a lot like finding a great hangout in a seedy looking little bar or a four star meal in a little mom and pop joint. Maybe you’re not expecting much from the first glance but if you take the time to investigate, you may just find yourself a real gem.

But this wasn’t always the case.

Long before the “civilized” and sanitized now, fairy tales were not meant for children. They were filled with adults doing adult things learning lessons that usually involved the spilling of blood – much like the Troy Nixey-helmed and Guillermo Del Toro-penned “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”.
A remake and somewhat of a reimagining of a 1973 Made-For-TV movie, “Dark” follows a young girl, Sally (Bailee Madison) sent to live with her father (Guy Pearce) and his girlfriend, Kim (Katie Holmes) in the big creepy house they are renovating. Obviously unhappy there, little Sally takes to wandering the grounds and finds a basement that was previously undiscovered. As they delve into it, Sally’s imagination is caught by a bolted furnace door; behind it, she hears voices and they want to be her friend. Of course, voices coming from behind bolted furnace doors in creepy basements are rarely a good thing and such is the case here as the creatures dwelling there in the dark come out to wreak havoc.

While Del Toro only produced and wrote the screenplay (along with his writing partner for “Mimic”, Matthew Robbins), his fingerprints are all over the film. Visually, the film harkens a bit to “Pan’s Labyrinth” and thematically, it treads the well-worn fairy tale paths that Del Toro loves so much. But at the end of the day, this is Nixey’s baby and he should be a proud poppa. He gives us a darkly atmospheric fairy tale with just a dash of gothic horror; precisely what fairy tales would be if they had not been ceded over as children’s stories all those years ago. More remarkable though is that that he gives us something very rare: an R-rated movie, not because of violence or nudity, but because it is scary. In early interviews, Del Toro called it their “badge of honor” from the MPAA. I’d be inclined to agree with him. It’s not the cheap kind of scary that makes you jump in your seat; it’s the classic kind of scary that grinds slowly in the pit of your stomach.

Immediately, that brings to mind that there are some people who will groan that this method is either new or original. To me, it’s kind of like faulting a Lamborghini for having four wheels and an engine because “it’s been done before.” Yes, what we have here has been done before – for centuries even – but it has been done well, which is more than could be said for many of its genre siblings. You have a smart and solid script from Del Toro and Robbins that, much like Goldilocks’ porridge, is neither too hot or too cold but just right. The cast is equally spot on. Both Pearce and Holmes are more than equal to their roles and I think what I liked best about them is that while both play obviously very successful people, they are not glamorous. Despite the opulent setting, they both seem very plain in comparison and to me that is a welcome change from the usual parade of chiseled abs and cosmetically altered figures. Madison, as Sally, is a little treasure. Much like Isabelle Furman’s wonderful turn in 2009’s “Orphan”, Madison proves herself to be a very capable young actress.

“Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” is an exceptional update of an age-old tale about blood and things that go bump in the night; the moral of it is that you don’t want to miss it.

An ex-Navy seal (Mehcad Brooks), his girlfriend (Serinda Swan) and their friends head out on a road trip to New Orleans. The group decides to stop at a roadside convenience store owned by Chopper (Sid Haig), who tells them the tale of Lockjaw, a fabled god-like creature who is half-man, half-alligator.

The legend has it that an inbred local man by the name of Grimley (Daniel Bernhardt) lost his family to a monstrous white alligator, which then drove him to madness and some believe he was transformed into that very creature that now haunts the depths of the swamps. Their curiosity peaked, the group decides to play along with the local tourist trap and journey deep into the backwoods to find the old dilapidated cabin which is supposed to be the birthplace of the creature.

As they set-up camp for the night, their faith is put to the test when Lockjaw turns out to be more than just a myth and they realize the locals are hiding a horrifying secret that jeopardizes them all.

Directed by Fred M. Andrews and starring Mehcad Brooks, Serinda Swan, Amanda Fuller, Dillon Casey, Lauren Schneider, Aaron Hill, Daniel Bernhardt, and Sid Haig, CREATURE introduces a new monster legend into the horror film lexicon.

‘Creature’ makes it’s way through the swamps and into a theater near you September 9th.

But one day, relief will come.
Just not today.
Today, we get “Final Destination 5”.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of any of the “Final Destination” movies, I can break them all down for you like this. The film opens by introducing a set of young and attractive stereotypes, who soon they find themselves in the middle of a spectacular action set piece in which most all of them meeting bloody ends. But this is only a premonition, which allows them to avoid the mayhem. However, they discover that they were meant to die and Death is now “stalking them to set the books right.” The rest of the movie is a waiting game – not to see who dies, but to see how they die. The lead up to each death is a tedious stream of red herrings leading up to a freakishly improbable death. It usually ends with a couple of “survivors” who end up dying anyway just because no one really cheats Death.

For the most part, that’s what we get with the fifth installment of a film series that should have stopped after the first. Character-wise, we have the nice but conflicted Sam (Nicholas D’Agosto), his corporate-minded friend Pete (Miles Fisher), Sam’s nice girlfriend Emma (Emma Bell), Pete’s girlfriend and boss’ daughter Candice (Ellen Wroe), the vaguely slutty Olivia (Jacqueline MacInnes Wood), nerdy lothario, Isaac (P.J. Byrne), the token minority Nathan (Arlen Escarpeta) and lastly, the slightly overbearing and slightly dim boss Dennis (David Koechner). The big opening set piece is a suspension bridge collapse as the group is on their way to a corporate retreat. Sam has a vision and saves his friend – only after we get a glimpse into what should have been. That, of course, gets the ball rolling on the massive Rube Goldberg machine of death that every movie in the series has been so far.

Individually, the parts are solid. The cast is everything they need to be. D’Agosto and Bell are appropriately cute and endearing. Fisher eerily transforms into Tom Cruise as the movie goes along (which is ironic since he played Tom Cruise in “Superhero Movie”) and it’s actually a good thing as his character goes through the most complex journey in the film. This is due to the addition of a tweak to the original formula. In this installment, we find out from the creepy coroner (played to perfection by genre great Tony Todd) that if the survivors kill someone to essentially take their place, then they get the life of the person they killed. This addition made for a very interesting, very intense climax. Unfortunately, for me, it’s not enough to salvage this movie. Despite enjoying the first film and still finding the concept interesting, I consider the subsequent movies to be exercises in laziness. While I’m sure it’s very tough work to make the same movie over and over and over and over again – only different – it’s not something I’d want to sit through.

Another sticking point I had with this movie was the 3-D. Although it was shot with 3-D cameras (thus avoiding the post-conversion mess) and the kills look generally fantastic with the extra dimension, I have a hard time accepting a 3-D movie where the majority of the scenes are in office buildings or similarly mundane locations.

“Final Destination 5” is cinematic déjà vu. It’s a raincloud on the horizon, full of promise, but not much else.

The festival runs from 2PM – 7PM at the historic Texas Theater and features films either created by LBGT filmmakers or of gay interest. On this year’s slate of films is “George’s Intervention” by director J.T. Seaton (featuring genre veteran, Lynn Lowry) and the vampire comedy, “Bite Marks” by writer/director Mark Besssenger.

Additionally, three shorts will also be presented “Cupcake” by Rebecca Thompson, “metsastymmaa” by Nalle Mielonen and “I Was a Tranny Werewolf” by Lola Rocknrolla.

Half of all ticket sales will be donated to Youth First Texas, a non-profit Dallas organization which helps provide youth in the LGBTQ community counseling and support, activities, leadership opportunities and educational support. For more information, visit them online here.

At least that’s what some people say.

Some people might say that man, in his natural state, prefers the balance found in a matriarchal belief system. Others still might say that man was created as a result of biological happenstance and natural selection. One thing that could be agreed upon is that Lucky McKee’s “The Woman” is a potent movie.

Meet the Cleek family – Chris (Sean Bridger), Belle (Angela Bettis), Peg (Lauren Ashley Carter), Brian (Zack Rand) and little Darlin’ (Shyla Molhusen) – and something’s just not right with them. While the rest of the community may see a perfect family, a current of fear runs through them. Chris, a lawyer in the small town they live outside of, rules his family. One day, while he is out hunting, he comes across a feral woman (Pollyanna McIntosh). Driven primarily by lust, he captures the woman and chains her up in his cellar with the intent to “civilize” her.

“The Woman” drives its knuckle into the cultural pressure-point of male/female relations. If audiences find it disturbing, it is because it cuts so close to the beliefs that many people have: men are the undisputed kings of their castles and women are there only to service them. It’s a foundational notion that underlies much of how our society operates. This movie takes that notion and expounds upon it to a grotesque and unfortunately realistic conclusion. McKee, expanding on the universe created by writer Jack Ketcham, expertly reveals to us things that we might ordinarily turn a blind eye to. It could be looked to as an allegory of the “white man’s burden,” of bringing – or rather – forcing our culture on the “savages.” In this case, it is also highlights the disparity in the relationship between men and women.

In addition to McKee’s sure guiding hand, his cast does an exceptional job of bringing this story to life. Bridger, as the family patriarch brings a dangerous calm to the role, like calm ocean waters filled with sharks. Bettis, as the long-suffering but cowed wife, brings a mutli-faceted performance as Chris’ wife that garners both sympathy and scorn. McIntosh is downright fearless as “the woman” expressing volumes with just a look. Topping the list for me, though, was the performance of young Zack Rand. As Chris’ only son, it’s easy to see him initially as just another victim of his father’s domineering hand. However, as the movie progresses, you see the depths to which his soul is poisoned by his father’s teachings and attitudes. His eyes hold a seething contempt for his sisters, his mother and just other women in general. I personally felt it was a first class performance for the actor in his first film.

“The Woman” is an extended gut punch. It is an unflinching, uncompromising film that will challenge you, possible disturb you and definitely entertain you. And in the end, that’s what you’re looking for.

In a perfect world, John Carpenter never makes a movie like “the Ward”.

The film opens in the autumn of 1966 where we see a dazed and disheveled girl, Kristen (Amber Heard), walking down some rural roads until she comes to a farmhouse. She does what any beautiful country girl does at a farmhouse: she burns it down. Naturally, the authorities show up and take her where they would take any dangerous firebug: the local mental hospital. Here, we find that she has been admitted to a ward where the doctor (Jared Harris) is trying new treatments, girls mysteriously disappear and there is possibly a ghost lurking about. Of course, Kristen is going to break out because she’s not crazy.

Sadly, I feel crazy for even leaving the house to go see it.

Track back with me if you will to October and the release of Wes Craven’s “My Soul to Take”. I called that film the worst genre film of 2010. I stand by that. It had a big budget and a legendary director on its side and, at best, it was derivative offal. Similarly, this is easily the front runner for worst genre film of 2011. While “Ward” doesn’t have the same budget “Soul” had or all the 3-D bells and whistles, you have John Carpenter in the big chair directing and that has to count for something. Well, it does, at least for some things. I just don’t think good judgment in making this his first feature film in ten years (his last being “Ghosts of Mars”) was not chief among those things. The script, penned by Michael Rasmussen and Shawn Rasmussen bludgeons us with its stereotypes, assaults us with its poor logic and tortures us with its big reveal. In short, this horror movie was laughable – literally. This was the first time I’ve ever been in a theater with a serious horror movie playing where the audience was laughing at the climactic confrontation at the end: not quite snickers, not polite chuckles but doubled over in their seat belly-laughter.

Yes, it was that bad.

And I really can’t even tell you why. On the offhand chance you have the disposable income to waste on this farce, I don’t want to spoil the movie so you can have the same “Did they really just go there” look on your face that I did.

The disastrous script aside, Carpenter did the best he could with what he had. The actors top to bottom were solid. Heard got to show off more of the tough chops that she displayed in “Drive Angry” and Jared Harris played his part as Dr. Stringer with just a hint of Sam Neill mixed in.

“The Ward” is an embarrassing addition to Carpenter’s filmography. The audience doesn’t have to be crazy to watch it, but I’m sure it would help. Granted, in a perfect world, that wouldn’t be necessary.

Of course, this brings us to Wes Craven’s latest effort, “Scream 4”.

Eleven years after the last entry in the series, Craven brings us back to the unfortunate little burg of Woodsboro. This time, series heroine Sydney (Neve Campbell) has returned to the town on tour touting her book on her growth experiences as a survivor of the previous murders. Dewey (David Arquette) and Gale (Courtney Cox) are still around: Dewey is the sheriff and Gale is having a hard time coming up with a new book idea. Luckily for Gale, yet another copycat of the original Ghostface killer has begun to strike the circle of friends belonging to Sydney’s cousin, Jill (Emma Roberts). Suspicions grow, new rules are introduced and the streets run red with the blood of the young and unintelligent.

Unlike his previous outing, the shameful “My Soul to Take”, Craven has assembled a strong, talented cast. In addition to the returning Campbell, Arquette and Cox, you have Roberts, Hayden Panettiere (“Heroes”), Rory Culkin (“Signs”) Marley Shelton (“Grindhouse”) Mary McDonnell (“Battlestar Galactica”) and a host of cameos sprinkled in. Together, they breathe life into Kevin Williamson’s sharply voiced script. Combined with some clever character motivations, the script is one of this movie’s greatest strengths.

Sadly, it also fails it mightily.

One impression I took away from the film what that the younger characters were much smarter and worldlier than their predecessors. Unfortunately, this doesn’t carry on to the movie itself. “Scream 4” finds itself mired in hokey genre tropes, catastrophic logic failures and a need not just to suspend your disbelieve but to beat it senseless and have it carted off to a gulag. If you’re going to promote this as “New decade. New rules,” then don’t give me the same old crappy movie you gave me back in the mid Nineties. Just like the characters in your film, the audiences are smarter and savvier as well. We know your awkward attempts at herding us into scares. Like the clumsy manipulations of a sausage-fingered teen trying to unfasten a bra for the first time, it’s tedious, annoying and rarely gets results.

Even if considered by simple genre standards, we find it lacking. Despite the interesting twist, the film is remarkably predictable. Kills are telegraphed well in advance so that they carry almost know weight, just a feeling of bored inevitability. And the kills themselves, you have a garden variety of stabs and slashes but nothing to write home about.

“Scream 4” is a magical, mystical trip back to the Nineties, where everything old is old again. Just like our aforementioned Twinkie, it looks good on the outside. You just might want to think twice before taking a bite out of it.