Yes, feel free to send me hate mail (shine [at] redcarpetcrash [dot] com).

But here’s the thing: I’m not going to stop the ever loving nightmare that is “Twilight.” I’m just one relatively normal-sized person. Rarely does anyone listen to me. If you want evidence, just look at how many of my girlfriends are repeating the same man mistakes over and over again, against my advice.

But I digress (on purpose, for those of you who feel like a digression means I don’t know how to use the delete button; sometimes digression has a purpose).

Since we all know I get most of my news via Twitter and since some of us know I’m kind of a raging feminist, today’s news comes to you via those two channels. (Okay, I’m only partially a raging feminist. I’m a complicated and unique snowflake, people.)

I’m going to try to prepare you for what you’re about to see in a PG-13 sort of way, but no guarantees. Parents, avert your children’s eyes. Hell, avert your own eyes. This is disturbing.

I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, because, well, I’d like to keep my brains inside my head, thank you. This isn’t to say that everyone who reads these books is stupid, mind you. Some of my very intelligent friends have read them. Some of them even liked them. I’m just saying that if I tried to read them, my head would explode.

And I’m no innocent flower here. I’ve happily watched hundreds of episodes of “Star Trek” (which, c’mon, is cheesy). I will watch completely awful crap like “Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat II Challenge” or “Brett Michaels Rock of Love”. I love “NCIS,” despite knowing that it’s terrible. The only difference is that I rarely hear people making the same noise about shows like these. I mean, yes, “Star Trek” has some pretty serious fans, but I think all of them would admit that the show has some cheesy dialogue and has absolutely nothing to do with real life. (Some) TwiHards, on the other hand, seem to think that these stories are the way life should be (okay, there are probably some “Star Trek” fans like this, too, but we all make fun of them!). And to that I say, “Get out of my reality.” This story has so many holes, it makes Swiss cheese look good.

First, there’s a distinct vampire problem. As in, these aren’t vampires you’re reading about, people. For many reasons, not the least of which – they have no problem being out in the sun. And better than that? They sparkle. SPARKLE.

Also, they’re “vegetarians.” Oh, except of course, that the author didn’t understand the term “vegetarian” any more than the term “vampire.” They’re “vegetarians” because they only feed on animals. Did you get that? They feed on animals, so that makes them vegetarians. Riiight.

These two atrocities alone make me want to puke, but combined with the horrible writing, it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’ll never go anywhere near this train wreck. And the ridiculousness of some (read: most) “Twilight” fans only makes it worse.

Case in point:

Just in case you’re not sure what to make of that, it seems (according to Jezebel, where I hijacked these pictures) that a particularly crafty (and possibly mentally unstable) TwiHard made BELLA’S WOMB OUT OF FELT. Is anyone else noticing that it looks like a 1980s porn in there? Bella, maybe you should invest in some intra-uterine waxing.

Inside? A felt fetus.

What fetus, I’m not sure, as from what I’ve gathered about the fourth book (it’s four, right?) (Oh, possible SPOILER ALERT.) (Who am I kidding? As if you can spoil this after Stephanie Meyer had her hands on it.), this fetus could only have been in Bella’s womb in about the first 25 seconds of implantation.

Anyone else hearing undertones of “life begins at conception” from Meyer? Maybe that’s just me.

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about (you’re probably a better human for it), in the fourth book, Bella and Mr. Sparkle-pire have married and are on their honeymoon. Where they can’t make the sex because uh, dude is worried that his junk is too powerful. Bella gets knocked up, but the baby GROWS SO FAST. It breaks her ribs and severs her spine and then she gives birth to it via emergency fake vampire C-section (must be performed with completely sterile teeth) and the baby pops out fully formed and communicates its thoughts to the whole world and the llama-nosed wolf guy falls immediately and madly in love with it.

It was written by a Mormon, after all. Take from that what you will.

Of course, the best part is that this gem of a “plot” will actually be made into two movies. Yes, two. Because the book, apparently, is eleventy million pages long. Personally, I’d rather see “Sex and the City 3″ than have to listen to the screaming and silliness of tween and adult TwiHards alike for another two movie releases.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “That Shine is a lying liar pants on fire. No way could you know that much about something you’ve never read.”

But that’s where you’d be wrong, dear Crashers. In an effort to convince me either to read the things or that they read the things because they were so bad (neither was successful), my friends have sent me many links to many synopses of “Twilight.” So unfortunately, I know far more than I ever wanted to know.

Your very own Devin sent me an amazing letter written by a TwiHard to Universal Pictures claiming that they should fear a lawsuit for ripping off Meyer’s werewolves with their “Wolfman.” Uh, except that the original of that movie was made in the ‘30s. Seriously, TwiHards, how ‘bout a fact checking session?

Just so we’re clear, I am now and will always be: Team Edward (James Olmos)

Starbucks has finally decided to join the rest of the world in 2010. Starting July 1, they’ll be offering free WiFi at all their US locations.

That’s right. FREE WIFI.

Personally, I didn’t think it would ever happen. I know that if you have AT&T DSL already, you can access it at Starbucks, but I’m of the opinion that the devil lives in AT&T, so I don’t want to have any more of their services than necessary. (I’m squinty-eying you, Apple, for forcing me into AT&T service for my iPhone.)

The news that Starbucks was pairing up with AT&T just pushed me over the edge. I refuse to be bullied in such a fashion, and I can get free WiFi at any number of bookstores, coffee shops, restaurants, and car repair shops. The only thing to accomplish by forcing AT&T down my throat: I will happily choose to spend my time elsewhere. Especially since you’re charging me more for coffee than can be considered acceptable. Highway robbery with a side of charging me for WiFi indeed.

But you’ve made me happy today, Starbucks. As long as this free WiFi doesn’t end up being “free” WiFi. No more tricks and conditions and forcing me to buy $10 gift cards every month. You wouldn’t do that to me, right?

According to TechCrunch, Starbucks is partnering up with Yahoo for this project.

The only thing that puzzled me was this sentence: “Schultz also mentioned that the company is in talks with AOL to integrate local content from Patch in this network.”

AOL? Really? Who’s in talks with AOL for anything? I mean, granted, I have to use AOL mail all the time because my boss is a bit of a dinosaur and it’s the only email program he can understand (and I use the term “understand” loosely here), but other than that, I can’t see what use anyone has for anything AOL. It’s weird enough that you’re partnering with Yahoo (holding my junk mail since 1999).

My excitement will not be deterred, though. Coffee! Pastries! (Free) WiFi! Now, if you’d only add 200% more electrical outlets to every location…

Also, maybe a way to reserve my favorite comfy chair? More comfy chairs? Nah, I’ll leave it alone.

RCC Rating: Worth Watching On DVD

You probably already know that Lionsgate opted not to allow screenings for their latest release,” Killers” staring Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl.

In the world of movie reviewing that usually means one thing: You think your movie is a stinker.

(I wonder why they didn’t take this approach with “Sex and the City 2,” frankly.)

Lionsgate refused to admit this, stating instead that they wanted to promote their movie through word of mouth and Ashton Kutcher’s super Twitter abilities. He has over a million followers, you know. I hear some of them can even spell.

I don’t know if you’re buying what Lionsgate is selling; I’m not. If they truly wanted to use word of mouth and Twitter to promote their movie, they probably would have skipped the trailers and previews, right?

I’ve outsmarted them, though. Sort of. Because I’m kind of a glutton for punishment and because I love a good train wreck, I went to see “Killers” this weekend. The theater was only at about half capacity, so it’s clear I wasn’t the only one who was skeptical about paying $10.50 to see this flick.

The basic premise is this (and I’ll try not to ruin it for you): Boy meets girl. Boy doesn’t really bother to tell girl that he’s a spy (at least, not while she’s conscious). Girl falls in love with boy and they get married and live happily ever after in suburbia. For three years. Then All Hell Breaks Loose. Overly dramatic, kind of ridiculous things happen for the next hour. TWIST! The end.

Spencer (Kutcher) and Jen (Heigl) meet in France, while she is on vacation with her parents (Tom Selleck and Catherine O’Hara). Selleck can rock a mustache like no other, and O’Hara was absolutely convincing as the alcoholic mother. Their first date isn’t exactly the stuff of romance. It mostly consists of Jen making a fool of herself, and Spencer being charming and adorable.

I only have about two romantic bones in my body, and both of them wanted to go on a date with Ashton Kutcher right then. I’m embarrassed to admit this, since I’ve always thought Kutcher was a bit (read: completely) obnoxious.

The couple quickly get married and move to the suburbs to have a “normal life.” It’s all Spencer the Spy has ever wanted in life. He gets out of the game and starts his own construction company, where he is, of course, immediately successful. Three years into their marriage, his old spy life comes back to haunt him, much to the shock of Jen (who does a lot of screaming). The good news is, none of the trained killers who are sent to kill him know have any aim. The bad news is, neither does Spencer. Cue car chases and fight scenes. Ridiculousness ensues, but somehow our heroes’ hair is never out of place.

Jen is an uptight, neurotic, control-freak who is far too attached to her family. In case you haven’t seen many Katherine Heigl movies, this is the only role she ever plays. At least she got to keep her pretty blond hair in “Killers.”

(Aside to movie makers: Please stop trying to convince young women that this is how women are supposed to be. It’s getting old. Some of us actually have more than one dimension.)

I can buy Ashton Kutcher as goofy. I can buy him as quirky. I can even buy him holding a gun and looking serious. What I can’t buy? His Spidey-Sense “something’s not right, I’m missing something” solving clues and being smart thing.

Sorry, Ashton, but it’s just not believable.

Having said that, “Killers” wasn’t the disaster I was expecting. It had funny parts. Kutcher is ultimately likeable; Heigl is typically unbearable. It was predictable, though. I saw the “twist” at the end coming from about the first minute.

How would I rate it? Watch “True Lies” again, it’s better. I’d skip seeing this at the theater entirely, but it might be worth putting on your Netflix queue, if you want some mindless entertainment.

If you’re a die-hard Kutcher fan, he does look great without his shirt. Heigl’s teeth are pretty much the only thing you’ll notice about her. (Just as a side observation: I think she must have pissed off her makeup artist. She looked older and the colors were all wrong for her.)

RCC Rating: Worth Full Price On Opening Weekend

This week, I was lucky enough to see a screening of “Solitary Man” at the Magnolia Theater. Which means dirty martinis, y’all. I only had one, I swear.

If I had to sum this movie up in one sentence, that sentence would be: It’s a smart, edgy film made around a pathetic stereotype of a man.

Michael Douglas plays main character Ben Kalmen, a former car dealer who has fallen on some hard times. Hard times, I should mention, that he’s brought entirely upon himself. He’s squarely in mid-life crisis mode. Unfortunately, he’s long past the age where it’s acceptable.

Kalmen isn’t an interesting character. What makes the movie interesting is just how far he’s willing to go to self-destruct.

He’s a man who treats women like objects. Even those closest to him. Women (and I think, most people) are to be used and discarded. The sad part is that he doesn’t seem to realize that these women are pulling the strings.

After hearing (well, more ignoring) some possibly bad news from a doctor, Kalmen goes on a self-destruction rampage. He conveniently forgets that his actions have consequences. As a result, he loses pretty much everything. He finds a way to squander every opportunity he’s offered.

Mary-Louise Parker shines as his “girlfriend.” (I swear, that woman is actually getting younger. If there’s a Fountain of Youth, she’s got the secret.) She and her 18-year-old daughter, played by Imogen Poot (a name I’ll have to practice saying without giggling) have the most dysfunctional relationship I’ve seen portrayed on screen. Putting Kalmen in the middle of it is like throwing vodka on your trashcan fire.

Susan Sarandon played the role that Susan Sarandon has been playing for years: the “I’ll accept you for who you are” ex-wife. She’s strong and she’s sexy and no matter what Kalmen does, she’s going to be there. Yes, she plays the part well, but c’mon Susan, don’t you think this role is a little tired?

Rounding out Kalmen’s closest relationships is his daughter, played by Jenna Fischer. Though their relationship is filled with tension, she’s still a girl who loves her daddy. She tries to be close to him, while he tries to push her away.

Jesse Eisenberg plays, shocker, an awkward college kid who by chance gets caught in Kalmen’s web. He is cute, he is quirky, he is Jesse Eisenberg.

The beginning was perfect. The end was perfect. I particularly loved the silent moments. Sandwiched in the middle was an hour and a half of a very real look at a man who is trying desperately to be an island. And failing miserably.

The AMC Grand (located off of I-35E and Northwest Highway, in Dallas), according to reports, cannot come to an agreement on lease terms with Kansas City-based Entertainment Properties Trust (who owns the property), so they’ve opted to pull the plug.

Built in 1995, it was the first theater in the country to house more than 20 screens (and feature stadium seating!). Seems hard to believe that only 15 years ago, the megaplex was the exception, rather than the rule, for movie viewing.

AMC, formerly Durwood Theaters (I only add it because it makes me chuckle), was one of the few movie theater chains not to go bankrupt during the last recession (which is apparently over?). The area around The Grand is now populated with more strip clubs, sex-toy stores, and chain restaurants than anything else. Combine that with the fact that it’s nearly impossible to find the entrance to the parking lot, and it’s easy to see why people might be opting to see their movies elsewhere.

The fact is, though, they don’t. The AMC Grand is still one of the top 20 highest grossing theaters in the Dallas area. It sounds like Entertainment Properties Trust would like to get another theater chain into the property when AMC vacates at the end of the year.

Still, it’s sad to hear that it’s closing. I just made the trek over there to see “Iron Man 2″ (The Grand is in a pretty great place for meeting friends who live in the boonies), and the woman who sold me a pretzel made me the happiest girl in all the land.

“What movie are you seeing?” she asked, as she tried to sprinkle parmesan on my pretzel.

“‘Iron Man 2′.”

“Oh! You look just like that girl who’s in it. I think she’s called ‘Black Widow’ or something,” she said.

After blinking a couple of times in complete confusion, I looked at her with squinty eyes. “Are you talking about Scarlett Johansson?”

“Yes! That’s her!”

And while I loved the movie anyway (read the RCC review here, if you missed it), I have to tell you that nothing could have made my day more fantastic. Just don’t ruin it and tell me that AMC only hires blind people or pathological liars to work the refreshment stand.

RCC Rating: You’ve Got Better Things To Do

It’s not that Carrie Bradshaw and crew were bad.

It’s that they were so bad that I feel I should travel to the Middle East to apologize for the way spoiled, entitled Americans portrayed and disrespected the culture. If I were in the movie, I’d probably suggest doing this on some sort of magic carpet.

It’s been two years since we’ve checked in with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha. If you didn’t see the first movie, SPOILER ALERT: Carrie and Mr. Big finally got hitched. They gave up their extravagant penthouse apartment and now live in the same building, but 12 floors down. Carrie worries that they’re becoming and old married couple, and Mr. Big just wants to watch television and eat take-out (personally, I’m on Big’s side for this one).

Miranda is still happily married to Steve the cheater in Brooklyn, raising the next Carrot Top. Her job, however, is proving to be less than fulfilling. Her boss has no respect for her (because she’s a woman!) and she can’t make it to her son’s science fairs. Don’t worry, she quit her job and arrived just in time to see mini-Carrot Top win first place for his rat maze.

Charlotte, who had gotten everything she ever wanted, has realized that gosh darn, being a mom is hard! And she has full-time help! But her nanny refuses to wear a bra, and when Samantha suggests that Harry might stray, Charlotte begins obsessing. She’s horribly unhappy and crying in the pantry. Nanny wet T-shirt contest to the rescue!

Samantha’s lady parts are fine, thanks to 37 bottles of hormone cream and a book by Suzanne Somers (yeah, I’m still confused about that one). She’s had breast cancer and she’s in the throws of “The Change,” but otherwise, she’s still Samantha.

The opening scenes flashed back to the ladies in the ’80s. I think I can safely call that my favorite part. The rest was a blur of ridiculous clothes, embarrassing hats, five-inch heels, and a the worst puns I’ve ever heard. Then they traveled to the Middle East where my head exploded from the sheer disrespect of it all. Samantha refused to cover any part of her body (except with yams), there was a sea of Australian man parts, and Miranda made parallels between her boss treating her poorly because she’s a woman and the way women are treated in Abu Dhabi (this might have been a good message if it didn’t come from four rich, bejeweled, American princesses).

After two and a half hours (yes, two and a half), all conflict was wrapped up into a neat little Tiffany box with a pretty little diamond. Carrie’s problems with Big are solved, Miranda is happy in her new job, Charlotte loves her children (despite the fact that they are poorly behaved monsters) and her nanny is a lesbian, and Samantha? Well, Samantha has sex on a car.

Oh, and there was a gay butler named Abdul (“You know, like Paula.”) who stole the show.

Personally, I hope he dumped her. I assume, if you’re a man, you’re up on all things Megan Fox, but as a woman, I’m kind of embarrassed to include her in the female gender. Her acting skills rival Hayden Christensen (of Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader fame) for some of the worst I’ve seen.

Plus, she’s the most hypocritical bisexual woman on the planet. If she’s even bisexual any more. It sounds like she’s about to marry that dorky kid from 90210. I mean the original 90210, not that new-fangled version that’s on now. Which leads me to my favorite Megan Fox quote ever:

I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.

It’s possible that comparing Michael Bay to Hitler was the final nail in her Transformers coffin, though. And now Bay wants to exchange one vapid, pretty face for another.

The list is down to three, with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (What? You’ve never heard of her? That makes two of us.) as the front-runner. I would have linked you to her IMDB page, but that would only tell you that she was in several Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show specials.

Sure, Tyra Banks might tell you have to be an actress to walk the Victoria’s Secret catwalk, but I’m not buying it. I can’t make any assumptions about Rosie’s acting talent, though, because she’s not an actress. I’m sure she can rock a bra like a pro, but how does that transfer to the big screen?

There are two other candidates who might beat Huntington-Whiteley. Seriously, with a name like that I expect her to be in riding breeches chasing a hare through a grassy field. Then she’ll ring a little bell and the butler will bring her some sparkling water in a champagne flute and she’ll watch someone groom the hounds.

Sarah Wright, whose biggest claim to fame is “The House Bunny” (starring Anna Faris), so you know she must be on the verge of winning an Academy Award. And Brooklyn Decker, who’s a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.

Clearly, Bay isn’t looking for serious acting chops here. And frankly, anyone with a pinky-full of talent would out-shine Shia LeBouf.

Megan Fox’s chest did that in the first two movies, right?

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who replaces Megan in “Transformers 3.” I’m in it for the transformer sound effects.