As always, I’ve presented each nominee to the Magic 8-Ball, and noted the most positive response in each category. This year, we’re breaking in a new Magic 8-Ball, so it admittedly has not had a chance to see every nominee in every category. Has this ever stopped anyone before? No. No, it has not.

Silly? Very. Guaranteed? Not at all: You use these at your own risk. But, hey, it’s not like you had any idea who to pick for the technical categories anyway. Why not take your cues from a novice Magic 8-Ball? If you do, and you win your pool, just remember who did the consulting for you.

• Picture: “127 Hours”
• Actress: Natalie Portman, “Black Swan”
• Actor: Colin Firth, “The King’s Speech”
• Supporting Actress: Jacki Weaver, “Animal Kingdom”
• Supporting Actor: Jeremy Renner, “The Town” (Jeremy Renner, call me.)
• Director: Joel Cohen and Ethan Cohen, “True Grit”
• Adapted Screenplay: “127 Hours”
• Original Screenplay: “Another Year”
• Art DIrection: “Alice in Wonderland”
• Cinematography: “True Grit”
• Costume Design: “True Grit”
• Documentary Feature: “Gasland”
• Docmentary Short: “The Warriors of Qiugang”
• Film Editing: “Black Swan”
• Foreign Language Film: “Dogtooth”
• Makeup: “The Wolfman”
• Original Score: “The Social Network”
• Original Song: “Coming Home”
• Animated Short: “Madagascar, carnet de voyage”
• Live Action Short: “The Confession”
• Sound Editing: “Inception”
• Sound Mixing: “The Social Network”
• Visual Effects: “Harry Potter and the Deathy Hallows Part 1″

The show will be coming to you from Stage 15 on the Warner Bros. lot in Burbank, putting Conan closer to “Beautiful Downtown Burbank” than he ever was hosting his last show. The studio is smaller than the Tonight Show cavern, which should up the nervous energy.

Andy Richter is still in. Max Weinberg is out — the lure of New Jersey was just too strong, he admits; also, there was that whole open heart surgery thing — but the rest of the musical regulars will be there in the form of Jimmy Vivino and the Basic Cable Band. The band is reportedly situated on Conan’s right, a la Late Night

Expect a new theme song, created by Conan and Jimmy Vivino, which probably would have happened even if NBC didn’t own the old show’s theme.

Tonight’s big guest will be the winner of the show’s “First Guest” poll, rumored to be Arlene Wagner, curator of the Leavenworth Nutcracker Museum. Guests numbers two, three and four are slated to be Seth Rogen, Lea Michele and musical guest (and Conan spoken-word album producer) Jack White. Also scheduled for this week: “Coco” coiner Tom Hanks; tour guest Jon Hamm; the awesome Charlyne Yi; and the proverbial many more.

In character news, Conan’s keeping the beard. No word about the Masturbating Bear, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him by week’s end. Call it a hunch.

Conan airs Monday through Thursday nights at 11pm (10 Central) on TBS, with episodes posted the next day at TeamCoco.com. Bookmark it now, just in case your DVR melts down from the sheer awesomeness.

Monday night’s Conan Show Zero is being touted as something between a preview and a final run-through before Conan‘s November 8 TV launch. Per the TBS press release, the show “will originate from the Conaco Production offices at Warner Bros. studios in Burbank,” which means that we probably won’t see the set. The show could come from the same stairway-adjacent corner where the show set up the 24 Hour Live Coco Cam a couple of weeks back. They could move a couch into a conference room and toss up a cardboard set. We don’t know. But we do know that there will be some guests, and some music, and Andy Richter. And Conan O’Brien. Oh, yes. There will be Conan O’Brien.

Conan Show Zero streams Monday night at 11:00 pm ET /10:00 pm CT / 8:00 pm PT on TeamCoco.com, YouTube and Facebook. We’ll have more Conan coverage on RCC in the days ahead.

That’s the situation that the Daytime Emmys have been facing for years.

The Daytime Emmys cover pretty much everything that’s on before 8pm (7pm Central): soaps, game shows, morning news, children’s programming, syndicated talkers – all those shows that don’t register in the ratings, because viewers have the audacity to time-shift their viewing. When I worked in daytime tv, the rule of thumb was that somewhere between two and three times the number of viewers captured by Neilsen watched the shows, and that was before DVRs were widespread.

Somewhere along the way, the Daytime Emmys utterly lost respect for themselves. Maybe it was when NBC pulled out of the network rotation for them, when they realized that none of their shows ever won; maybe it was when daytime ratings fell below some Mendoza line; maybe it was when Susan Lucci finally won an Emmy and took away the only reason that people who don’t care about daytime television ever had to watch the show.

As CBS and ABC have shown less interest in broadcasting the show (last year it ended up on the CW, for heaven’s sake), industry interest has waned to the point that NATAS must be having trouble finding judges. There’s no other way to explain the recent prevalence of ties in major categories. The judges that do turn out have an obvious love for the familiar; there is no better predictor for winning a Daytime Emmy than having won one before.

Coupled with that is utter obliviousness to the rest of showbiz. NATAS had an opportunity to get people watching again this year by nominating Betty White for her work on “The Bold and the Beautiful” — stellar work by one of the most popular actors working right now, on what by many measures is the most popular show in the world — but, no. They nominated four solid, worthy daytime vets, and Bree Williamson of “One Life to Live.” (Williamson has done some decent work since joining the show a few years back, but by all accounts, that was not reflected in her nomination reel.)

This year, the show will be hosted by Regis Philbin. Everyone loves Regis Philbin, right? And it’s coming from Las Vegas. Who doesn’t love Vegas? Parts of the show are likely to seem more like a presentation from the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce than a television awards show, but I’ll take the Blue Man Group and the cast of “Jersey Boys” over another tortured attempt to have morning show hosts and soap opera stars present a musical tribute to “Sesame Street.” (This really happened.) The program will also feature tributes to Dick Clark and Agnes Nixon and, oh yeah, some awards.

You want predictions? In any category, if a previous winner is nominated, that’s the favorite. In performance categories, if more than one previous winner is nominated, go with the one who won second-most recently; the voters do like switch things off. Failing that, or in case of a tie, go with a nominee from the late, great “Guiding Light.” For those of you who haven’t been following along, this predicts wins for GL’s Crystal Chappell (Lead Actress), GH’s Jonathan Jackson (Supporting Actor), GL’s Beth Chamberlain (Supporting Actress), GH’s Julie Berman (Younger Actress) and GL’s Zack Conroy (Younger Actor – though he was enough of a latecomer that I think this one’s more likely to go to OLTL’s Scott Clifton, nominated so many times in his GH days that he might as well have been a winner).

The only soap category in which algorithm presents a problem is the Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series category: GH’s Anthony Geary and “The Young and the Restless’” Christian LeBlanc have alternated wins for past six years. (I know LeBlanc kept himself out of the running this year, but Geary made the first cut. What’s up with that? Probably not as much angst in his submission tape as in the five ultimate nominees’.) Y&R’s Peter Bergman last won in 2002, but who remembers that far back? And no one from GL in sight. If I had to make a pick, I’d go with “As the World Turns’” Michael Park, an industry favorite who only has one more shot to get nominated for this role. (And who, by the by, is said to have had a killer submission tape. Yeah, I guess that helps, too.)

The Daytime Emmy Awards air tonight on CBS at 9 Eastern/8 Pacific. You already know who’ll win, but enjoy the show anyway. It should be entertaining.

Narrowly escaping the fate of Saturday Night Fever et al.: Hairspray. The planned sequel is off the table.

There was some comfort in the fact that it was to be written by John Waters, but even he didn’t seem too jazzed about it. Nor did director Alan Shankman. None of the cast had committed. New Line finally admitted it: Hairspray 2 just isn’t going to happen.

And that’s as it should be.

The original story is so perfectly self-contained that it’s remained fresh through two movies and a Broadway musical (not necessarily in that order). Tracy Turnblad will always stay where she belongs, place secure on the Corny Collins show. And in my mind, Tracy will be Ricki Lake, and she and Divine will be strutting across the TV screen at some house taken over by a high school party, where I’m sitting on the couch — having opted to sit out the drama of Gwen finding out that Chelsea hooked up with Gwen’s boyfriend at Gwen’s birthday party — hoping my life could be half as fun as Tracy’s someday.

(It is, by the way. Thank you, John Waters.)

Previously: The last episode happened. And before that, six seasons happened.

Island Timeline

On the Island, everyone pretty much runs around, getting their physical bearings. Sawyer volunteers to retrieve Desmond from the well while Jack, Kate and Hurley head to the Source tunnel. When Kate asks why Jack took the job, Jack says it’s because it’s the only thing in his life he hasn’t managed to ruin. “Nothing’s irreversible,” Kate intones. Hurley: “This would be so sweet if we weren’t all about to die.” Yep.

Sawyer is intercepted by Ben and NotLocke, who are also looking dumbly at the well. NotLocke and Sawyer poke at each other about destroying the island, which is the first time Ben has considered that NotLocke meant it literally. Sawyer beats up Ben once more for old times’ sake, grabs his gun and bolts. NotLocke and Ben follow some dog tracks to… Bernard, Rose and Vincent’s cabin! Somehow, Bernard, Rose and/or the luckiest dog in the world got Desmond out of the well; they’ll give him breakfast, and then he needs to be on his way, because they don’t get involved. Why? I can tell you this one: Because unnecessary drama is bad news. Stuff like this tends to happen: NotLocke appears with his knife and threatens to kill Bernard and Rose if Desmond doesn’t come with him. Desmond shrugs and joins NotLocke.

Somewhere along the line, Sawyer catches up with his party. So two groups meet in a clearing on the way to the Source tunnel: Jack’s little version of Camp Jacob, consisting of himself, Kate, Hurley and Sawyer; and NotLocke, a quiet Ben and a weirdly cheerful Scotsman. Kate tries to shoot NotLocke; NotLocke suggests she save her bullets. Since they’re all heading in the same direction, they decide to go together, with the obligatory cross-talk threats and intonations about ends and death and stuff. Privately, Sawyer asks Jack what’s going on. Jack is betting that if Jacob brought Desmond back, he’s some kind of a weapon. (Sawyer: “Hell of a long con, Doc.” He should know.) At the edge of the bamboo forest, NotLocke strongly suggests that only he, Jack and Desmond continue the rest of the way. It goes without saying that he flashes his knife.

While this is happening, Miles finds Richard by the New Otherton barracks. Richard’s dazed, but nothing that will keep him out of the finale. Miles and a twitchy Richard jump into an outrigger and start paddling towards Hydra. Along the way, among some submarine debris, they find Frank, patiently floating on a bunch of life rafts. (Have to say it: Told you so.) New plan: Get to Hydra with Frank, fix the Ajira plane and get the hell off of Dodge. On the Hydra beach, they encounter a brooding Claire, who fires waring shots and declines to come with them.

Jack, NotLocke and Desmond arrive at the tunnel with a plan to find out who’s right about life, the island and everything: Lower Desmond over the edge of the waterfall, and have him walk towards the light. Desmond grins and gibbers about how he’s going to be going somewhere else, somewhere they can all be with the ones they love and never have to worry about the island again, a place where Oceanic 815 never crashed and Jack sees happy. Jack patiently explains that there are no shortcuts; what happened, happened, and all of this matters. Right, then. Down goes Desmond, while NotLocke and Jack snark to each other about whether or not Original Recipe Locke was right then, and which one is right right now.

At the bottom, Desmond walks past some skeletons to this shining pool with a little carved plinth or something in the middle. For some reason, he decides he has to wade through the pool and remove the pillar, even though he sustains a serious electric shock when he steps into the water. Clearly, he didn’t get the memo about the cork and the wine bottle, because when he does? The golden light goes out, replaced by a red one, and flames, and smoke, which seem to be emanating from the vaguely demon-shaped hole the pillar was stopping up. Also, the Island starts shaking. Frequently, and a lot.

Jack and NotLocke duck out of the tunnel for a tussle, and could it be any more obvious that most of those rocks are painted styrofoam? Sorry, back to suspending disbelief. We’ve come so far; why stop now? Oh, also, NotLocke can suddenly bleed again. He takes a rock, bashes Jack over the head and runs.

A quake topples a tree in the little waiting clearing. Ben pushes Hurley out of the way and finds himself trapped beneath the timber. Kate, Sawyer and Hurley have a tough time moving it, but a radio transmission from Miles apparently gives them the off-screen mojo to move it. Because if they’re going to get to Hydra in time for take-of, they’re going to need to get on NotLocke’s boat.

Jack tracks NotLocke to the cliffs, and they have this epic fight — and did I mention that this is all at the edge of a freakin’ cliff? A cliff which is actually starting to crumble into the sea? A quake results in NotLocke’s knife ending up a bit away. The tussle continues. NotLocke regains control of the knife, stabs Jack in the side, draws blood from his throat, and is taunting Jack about dying for nothing when an approaching, pissed off Kate shoots NotLocke. Jack kicks him over the side of the cliff, where he lies, broken and still, on a plateau below.

This does not stop the quakes. If anything, the Island’s even more temperamental.

Hurley, Ben, and Sawyer join Jack and Kate. Jack thinks that whatever Desmond turned off, he needs to turn back on; if that doesn’t work, everyone really should be on that plane. New plan: Everyone but Jack gets off the Island. Ben declines to leave the Island, and Hurley declares he’s with Jack. So Jack and Kate have an epic kiss and love fest, and Sawyer and Kate head for the boat – which ultimately involves jumping off a cliff, because time’s running short: Frank wants to leave the ground while there’s still ground to get off. He sends Richard and Miles to fix some hydraulics with a page of instructions and a roll of duct tape. Richard is a bit incredulous, but Miles says perhaps the wisest words ever uttered on this show: “I don’t believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in duct tape.”

Trailed by Ben, Hurley helps Jack back to the Source tunnel. Jack explains that he’s going alone. Hurley is aghast: How’s Jack going to survive if Desmond didn’t make it? Half a second later, Hurley realizes the answer. “Hurley, I’m already dead,” Jack patiently explains, clutching his wounded side. “This is the way it happens. This is what I’m supposed to do.” Hurley stubbornly insists that the Island needs Jack. Jack thinks it needs Hurley, adding that he believes in Hurley. Hurley agrees to take on the Island, but he’s pulling out as soon as Jack comes back. Ben produces a water bottle so Jack can give him a drink from the stream. Jack places a hand on Hurley’s shoulder: “Now you’re like me.”

Hurley and Ben lower Jack, though thanks to another quake, Jack hits the ground with a definite thud. He finds Desmond lying next to the empty pool. Jack starts dragging Desmond back to the rope as Demond explains that the pillar thing needs to go back in the hole at the bottom. Desmond thinks he has to do it himself, but Jack sends Desmond back to be with his wife and son. And Jack? “I’ll see you in another life, brother,” Jack tells him, and finishes tying the rope around Desmond’s waist.

Kate and Sawyer straggle up to the Hydra beach, where Claire is sitting. They can hear Frank starting up the plane. Kate insists Claire come with them, promising to help Claire with her re-entry into the world of sanity and motherhood. The three of them make it to the plane just in the nick of time, joining Richard and Miles in the main cabin. Kate holds Claire’s hand, and the plane takes off, just clearing a mountain.

Jack replaces the pillar, then collapses in the empty pool. The red light and fire and smoke continue for a bit, and then the water starts pouring in and the golden light returns. Ben and Hurley pull up what they think is Jack, but is, of course, Desmond. Hurley’s a tad distraught, realizing that Jack’s gone. Ben, tending to Desmond, explains that Jack did his job — and now it’s Hurley’s. “What the hell am I supposed to do?” Hurley cries. Ben suggests he do what he does best: Take care of people, starting by helping Desmond get home. But how, if people can’t leave the Island? Well, Ben points out, that’s what Jacob thought. Maybe there’s a better way. Hurley asks Ben to be his Number Two. Ben is honored.

Jack wakes up on the stream bank. We’ll get back to him soon.

That Sideways Timeline

Everyone pretty much runs around, getting their social networking bearings. As they watch Christian’s casket being delivered to the church, Desmond won’t give Kate any answers about why she’s there, though she does get a good laugh out of the name “Christian Shephard.” Jack will be late to the concert at the museum, what with operating on Locke, so David will go with Claire and his mother — Juliet, of course, a fellow doctor at the only hospital in Los Angeles, with whom Jack still has a friendly relationship. WIth Sayid in tow, Hurley picks up the drunk Drive Shaft bassist (a tranquilizer dart is involved), and they all head to the museum. There, Miles catches sight of Sayid and calls the guy I’m still calling Sawyer to check up on Jin and Sun.

Juliet administers an ultrasound to Sun, and she has flashbacks of the ultrasound Juliet gave her on the island. Upon seeing the ultrasound, Jin has similar flashes of their Island life. They suddenly speak perfect English.

Juliet’s called back to the hospital, so it’s just David and Claire joining Desmond and Kate at table 23 when the concert starts. Kate’s a little weirded-out about seeing Claire again. Claire is more focused on not giving birth, when she’s not wondering why Charlie’s (who was roused by Charlotte just in time for the show, giving the writers an excuse to have her meet Daniel) looking at her from the stage. She excuses herself, and Kate follows her to a backstage area, where she almost collapses. Yep, that baby’s coming now. Charlie materializes in time for Kate to send him for water and blankets. Kate coaches Claire through the quickest childbirth ever, and they both get flashes of delivering Aaron on the island. Charlie rejoins them with blankets in time to get the rest of his island flashes of Claire and Aaron. The three of them coo at each other. Kate looks kind of blissed-out.

Eloise sits beside Desmond, making it clear she’s not happy about all this. But Desmond says he won’t take Daniel with him, so she doesn’t throw a fit or anything.

Locke wakes up from his surgery the second he’s in his room, to Jack’s consternation and amusement. The fact that Locke can already feel and move his feet? That’s just plain weird. But not as weird as those quick flashes Jack gets of Locke watching his foot move on the Island. Also, Jack has another one of those weird cuts on his neck – which is exactly where Locke’s knife cut him on the cliff.

Hurley makes sure that Sayid sees a fight outside a bar and feels compelled to jump out and rescue a damsel in distress. The damsel is Shannon. The fight was orchestrated by Hurley and Boone, who watch as Sayid and Shannon get their own flashes.

When Sawyer finds Jin and Sun at the hospital, they are cheerfully on their way out the door. Which is kind of weird. Jack points Sawyer to a vending machine for some food. The vending machine promptly eats his dollar, leaving him wrestling the machine for his Apollo bar. Juliet materializes with some suggestions. They touch, and get their flashes, and kiss, and we hear both sides of Juliet’s dying mumbles from the season opener, suggesting they go out for coffee, dutch.

Jack arrives at the museum; he runs into Kate, who informs him that the concert’s over. He tries to figure out where he knows her from. She reminds him that they were on the same flight, and she stole his pen – but says that’s not where. She touches Jack’s face, delivering a few more island flashes. He’s seriously freaked out. Kate smiles patiently. “I know you don’t understand, Jack. But if you come with me, you will.”

Locke arrives at the church via cab. Ben sits outside, looking in. Ben tells Locke that “most of them” are inside. And he apologizes for what he did to Locke: He was selfish and jealous. Locke was special, and he wasn’t. “Well, if it helps, Ben, I forgive you,” Locke says, and Ben tells him that it does help. Ben opts to “stay here for a while,” and tells Locke he probably doesn’t need the wheelchair anymore. Ben’s right. After Locke goes in, Hurley comes out and invites him in. Ben declines. Before he goes back in, Hurley tells Ben, “You were a real good Number Two.” Ben returns that Hugo is a great Number One.

Jack and Kate pulls up at the church — the church where he was going to have his father’s funeral. Kate sends him around the back, and says they’ll all be waiting for him inside when he’s ready.

In the church, Jack walks into an office or something. There may be a more proper name, but never mind. In any case, the name probably doesn’t apply, as this particular church office is decorated not just with crosses, but with a menorah and a stained glass window featuring the symbols of several major world religions. Also, Christian’s casket is there. Jack gets more Island flashes when he puts his hands on the casket, from Season One stuff to kissing Kate goodbye. Jack takes a breath, opens the casket, and… it’s empty. “Hey, Kiddo,” a voice says, and Jack turns to see his father.

(Was anyone who’s ever read or seen an epic work of sci-fi surprised by that? Every one of them involves a scene near the end when a friendly authority figure summarizes the world. Christian isn’t particularly friendly, but he is family, so that will have to be enough.)

Jack starts firing off questions: If Christian died, then how is he here right now?

“How are you here?” Christian asks back.

“I died,” Jack realizes, starting to cry. They hug, in a way they probably never did when they were alive. Jack asks if Christian is real. Christian explains that both of them are real – and that everything that’s ever happened to him is real, and all those people in the church are here, too. Jack’s caught on the whole “everyone’s dead” thing.

“Everyone dies sometime, Kiddo,” Christian explains, patiently. “Some of them before you, some long after you.” There is no “now” here: “This is a place where that you all made together so you could find one another. The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people.” That’s why they’re here: “Nobody does it alone.” They need each other to remember, to let go, to move on. Where are they going? “Let’s find out.”

Jack and Christian go into the church, where pretty much the whole cast is there, hugging and reuniting. (And by “pretty much the whole cast” I mean everyone from Jack and Locke through Desmond and Penny. Everyone is paired or family united up. The exceptions seem to be Michael, who’s stuck on the Island; Walt, who I think has put all this behind him; and Vincent, because dogs probably have a completely different vision of the afterlife. And Mr. Eko, because: Who?)

On the island, Jack staggers through the bamboo. We flash back and forth a few times: Stumble; hugs; straggling; smiling; careening; hand-holding; collapsing. Island Jack lies on the ground among the bamboo, hears a bark: Vincent. Vincent lies down next to Jack. Jack sees the airplane flying overhead and smiles.

Christian walks up the church aisle and opens the door. There’s a bright, bright light, that fills the sanctuary, until all we can see is the suffusion of white.

On the Island, Jack’s eye closes. As you knew it would.

As the credits roll, we see the rusted remains of Oceanic 815.

The Bad Robot is silent.

So. To sum up:

• The Sideways world is kind of an afterlife holding area – not so much Purgatory as a really fancy waiting room – where everyone hangs out, waiting for their loved ones. All the Sideways coincidences and flashes have been part of the process of these people remembering why they’re so important to each other, and of letting go.
• The Island was real.
• Vincent is the best dog ever, except maybe that one you had when you were a kid.
• People are connected.
• Everything ends.

I need sleep. I have more to say, but I’m seriously drained. In the meantime: Thoughts? Questions? Thank-you gifts?

And, honey? That’s life.

Some mysteries are never going to be solved. Some mysteries aren’t meant to be solved. We may never know where JImmy Hoffa is buried, who killed Elizabeth Short, or what Bill Murray whispers to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation. Somewhere, there are people who know the answers, but they aren’t telling.

Sometimes the answers aren’t the point.

We’re probably never going to find out why Walt is so special. Knowing the ways in which he’s special needs to be enough for us.

We probably won’t get a coherent explanation about how turning a donkey wheel throws you into a Tunisian desert. It would just be boring and implausible anyway.

We’ll probably be just as confused about the Numbers as we were when we started. Sometimes you just need a good MacGuffin.

When it comes time to process “Lost,” I expect that many will unearth Soren Kierkegaard’s quote: “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” I think that’s missing the point. This is more fitting:

“The problem with life is that we have to live it from the beginning, but it makes sense only when seen from the end. As a result, our whole experience is one of coming to provisional conclusions based on insufficient evidence: reading the signs, gauging the odds. . . . We see faces in clouds, hear sermons in stones, find hidden messages in ancient texts. A belief that things reveal meaning through pattern is the gift we brought with us out of Eden.” — Michael Kaplan and Ellen Kaplan, Chances Are . . . : Adventures in Probability

“Lost,” like life, has always pushed us to try to find answers with the limited information that we have. We’ll have the advantage of being able to go back and review it frame-by-frame, but most of us have already made up our minds how we’re going to regard it.

For me, I think the overriding theme will be destiny vs. free choice, because that’s been an overriding theme in the narrative of 21st century America. In the end, “Lost” is a particular type of product of the Bush years, a time when the President of the United States pitted faith and fact against each other, and usually came down on the side of faith. (This is not liberal hyperbole. The guy said it himself, many times.) One of the reactions to this — again, very pinned to a certain time — was viewers coming together to solve the mystery. In the days of “Twin Peaks,” we had to make do with talking about the latest episode with whoever happened to be in the room. Lost coincided with the flowering of the wiki, and with a great leap forward in multimedia alternate reality games. And as online publishing became easier, everyone could be a critic. Or a recapper.

“Lost” has struck a middle ground with its wrestling; you may have a destiny, it says, but it’s up to you whether or how you fulfill it. You may be destined to be a doctor, a spouse, a caregiver, a swindler; but the path there winds through a thousand choices. You may have other plans on Tuesday night, but you know you’re not going to wait until Thursday to watch.

And you may have other things to do with your money, but you’ve totally been checking out the “Lost” prop auction, because even if you’re done, there’s a part of you that doesn’t want this to end.

I’ll be offline starting at 9pm Eastern/6pm Pacific, because I know Twitter and Facebook won’t keep quiet for the benefit of us left coasters. Catch you on the other temporal side.

ISLAND TIMELINE

It’s the morning after the night before on the beach. Flotsam from the sub washes up on the shore while Jack stitches up Kate. (And we all know that this is a reflection of Kate stitching Jack up during the pilot, so let’s not dwell.) Kate’s still in shock about Sun and Jin, mostly because this leaves their daughter an orphan. They agree: NotLocke’s going down. And, as Jack points out, if NotLocke wants Desmond dead, then making sure that they get to him first is a good place to start.

It’s the morning after several episodes before in the jungle. Ben, Miles and Richard approach the old barracks. Ben and Miles are bickering. Richard wants to cut to the explosive chase: How much C-4 is there, and is Ben sure it’s still there? Enough to destroy the plane, and yes. Exposition Miles snarks about Ben putting the explosives in a cookie jar, to which Ben replies: “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s in a secret room behind my book case.” And for delivering that line with a perfectly straight face, I hereby nominate Michael Emerson for every Emmy ever. As they approach Ben’s old house, Miles starts getting some serious dead people signals. Richard explains that it’s Alex. I’m sure she has a lot to say, but this episode’s already running long.

They duck into the closet so Ben can retrieve the C-4 from a safe. Then they hear a noise out in the house. It’s Zoe, followed closely by Widmore. Widmore shoos Zoe off to get their equipment from their outrigger, then scoffs at Richard for being so far behind on the whole “blow up the plane” idea. How did Widmore manage to get back onto the island? He was invited by Jacob, who convinced Widmore of the error of his ways and told him he was needed for the purpose. So, here he is. And then Zoe notifies Widmore that NotLocke’s on his way.

There is a general scurrying. Widmore ushers Zoe into the secret room, but Ben declines, on the notion that NotLocke is going to want to have a throwdown with him eventually, and he’d rather get it over with. Miles is all, yeah, um, hi, I’m leaving. Ben sends him off with a radio. Richard joins Ben outside; he figures that all NotLocke really wants is for Richard to join him, so he may be able to buy everyone else some time.

Ben and Richard go outside. With little ceremony, Smokey zooms in, tackles Richard and flings him somewhere far offscreen. If Richard really can’t die, then he’s going to be seriously banged-up for the finale. Ben calmly waits for NotLocke, who says that he needs Ben to kill some people for him. If Ben does, he can have the Island all to himself. Ben ponders for about half a second before pointing NotLocke to the closet where Widmore and Zoe are hiding.

In the not-so-secret closet, NotLocke and Widmore face off. Widmore tells Zoe not to talk to NotLocke, so NotLocke slashes her throat, because if she’s not going to talk, then what’s the point to her existence? (And this is where my future essay on “Lost” and gender issues really starts gathering steam in the back of my brain. I know it’s not one of the many points of the show, but when you think about it, the whole thing’s one big Bechdel Test fail.) NotLocke lays it out to Widmore: If Widmore doesn’t tell NotLocke what he wants to know, NotLocke will kill Penny. If Widmore does, he won’t. Widmore easily admits that he brought Desmond back to the Island because of his resistance to electromagnetism, as a measure of last resort. He won’t say any more in front of Ben, so NotLocke asks Widmore to whisper the rest to him. Which he does. And then Ben shoots him: “He doesn’t get to save his daughter.” NotLocke shrugs that he already found out what he needed to know, so no harm done. “Good,” Ben says, flatly. “Did you say there were some other people for me to kill?”

Meanwhile, on presumably the same day, Jack and Sawyer lead the walk ‘n’ talk on the way to find Desmond. Sawyer feels responsible for killing everyone on the sub; Jack continues to put the blame on NotLocke. Somewhere behind them, Hurley sees the adolescent Jacob. While Kate walks on, the apparition demands the ashes that Hurley took from Ilana’s stuff. Hurley’s curious as to why the kid wants him, but the kid just takes the bag and runs off. Hurley follows the kid as best he can and finds Jacob among clearly artificial flowers by a campfire. Hurley asks whether Jacob saw a kid run by with his ashes. “My ashes are right there in that fire,” Jacob says, placidly. “When it burns out you’ll never see me again.” And: “Tell your friends, we’re very close to the end, Hugo.” Across the interwebs, hundreds of Lost recappers thank Jacob for giving them this week’s recap title.

Kate, Sawyer and Jack catch up with Hurley and Jacob. Jacob greets the others, and Hurley’s surprised that they can all see each other. Hey, kids, let’s play Riddles by the Fire! To their questions, Jacob answers that, yes, he wrote those names on the wall. So is that why they’re dead? Yeah, sorry. But he wants them to know that Sun, Jin and Sayid didn’t die for nothing. And if they have a collective seat, Jacob will tell them why he chose all of them. Oh, also? By the time the fire goes out, one of them is going to have to start protecting the Island.

Hurley wants to know why Jacob brought them to the Island. Jacob replies that it’s because of a mistake he made a long time ago; and, now, that mistake might kill them and everyone they care about. That mistake? That would be Smokey. Jacob says he made Smokey that way, and Smokey’s been trying to kill him ever since. (Only he doesn’t call him Smokey. But your recapper needs to call it something.)

Sawyer, playing the part of the wicked child in this foodless seder, snits about being punished for Jacob’s mistakes, maintaining that he was doing just fine before he got dragged to the Island. The group collectively stifles a psychic laugh. Jacob points out that they weren’t; they were all flawed and alone, like him. “I chose you because you needed this place as much as it needed you.”

Kate asks why her name was crossed off. Jacob replies that it’s because she became a mother, but it’s just a line of chalk in a cave. The job’s hers if she wants it.

Jack inquires as to what the job is. It’s pretty straightforward: There’s a light at the center of the Island. The new hire will make sure that it never goes out. Contrary to what NotLocke says, there is something to protect it from. And if they don’t kill Smokey, then he’s going to try to kill them.

In answer to Hurley’s query about the applicant selection procedure, Jacob simply says that he’s going to give them all what he was never given: A choice. And if none of them chooses it? “Then this ends very badly.” After about half a second of contemplation, Jack announces that he’ll do it: “That’s why I’m here. This is what I’m supposed to do.” Jacob confirms Jack’s decision. Jacob and Jack head over to a stream or something, while Sawyer, Kate and Hurley watch from by the fire. Sawyer makes a weak crack about Jack’s God complex, but he seems to know how stupid he sounds before Kate hushes him. Hurley’s just glad he didn’t take the job. Dude, I know the feeling.

Jacob tells Jack that near where he first woke up on the Island, there’s a ridge, and past it is the light he needs to protect. Jack never saw anything beyond the ridge, but Jacob assures him that he’ll be able to get there. At Jacob’s request, Jack hands him a cup, which Jacob ritually fills with water from a stream. Before drinking, Jack asks how long he’ll have to do the job. “As long as you can,” Jacob responds. Finding this agreeable, Jack chugs the water. And though we don’t see what he sees, it’s clear that he’s now seeing things differently. “Now you’re like me,” Jacob solemnly intones, and both figuratively and literally passes Jack the torch.

NotLocke and Ben trek to the well to find Desmond gone. NotLocke says that Widmore told him that Desmond was a failsafe, Jacob’s last resort in case NotLocke managed to kill all the candidates, to make sure that NotLocke never leaves this place. But now, NotLocke has a new plan: He’s going to find Desmond, and Desmond’s going to help him destroy the Island.

THAT SIDEWAYS TIMELINE

Desmond’s on a mission. We don’t quite know what the mission is, but he’s definitely on it. While eating breakfast with Claire and David (who wants to make sure that Jack doesn’t act all weird when he sees David’s mother at his big concert tonight), Desmond calls Jack, posing as an Oceanic employee who says they found his cargo. Also, Jack has one of those weird scratches on his neck again.

Next up: Locke and Ben. Sitting in his car, Desmond watches Locke wheel across the parking lot. Ben recognizes Desmond as the man who ran Locke over. Desmond gets out and calmly starts beating up Ben. “I will not let you hurt Mr. Locke again,” Ben insists. “I’m not here to hurt him,” Desmond says between punches. “I’m here to help him let go.” Ben’s confusion is interrupted by a flash of getting beaten up by Desmond in another timeline.

Locke finds Ben getting stitched up in the nurse’s office. Locke’s all for calling the police, but Ben dissuades him: The man had told him that he wasn’t trying to hurt Locke; he was trying to help him let go — “and for some reason, I believe him.” This all clearly means something to Locke.

Alex runs into the injured Dr. Linus, declares him unfit to drive, and points out her mother’s car. Her mother — who is, of course, Danielle Rousseau — is happy to meet the famed Dr. Linus, and agrees with Alex that he should come over for dinner. “We insist, even if we have to kidnap you.” Nice one, writers.

After dinner at the Rousseau residence, Danielle explains that Alex’s father died when she was 2, which is probably why she’s so attached to Ben: With the interest he’s taken in her, he’s the closest thing Alex to a father that Alex has ever had. Ben gets all misty, though he lamely blames it on the onions. “I’ll put in less next time,” Danielle says. And though we don’t know the exact context, we know there will be a next time.

Locke goes to see Jack and runs down the list of coincidences that seem to connect them. (I don’t know why he’s so surprised that Jack turned out to be his doctor; there can’t be that many spinal surgeons on staff at the only hospital in all of Los Angeles.) The man who showed up at the school today said that he was there to help Locke let go, and that’s exactly what Jack said to Locke the last time they saw each other. So maybe all of this happened for a reason. Anyway, Locke’s ready to get out of the chair.

Desmond turns himself in at the police station (where Sawyer’s declining Miles’ invitation to that night’s concert at the museum, what with the possibility of running into Charlotte). Sawyer puts Desmond in a holding cell with Sayid and next to Kate. Desmond is very, very happy to see them. Sawyer returns to send them all off to the county lockup. He seems to consider Kate’s pleas to let her go, but soon enough, they’re all in the transport van. Desmond announces that it’s time to leave, that the driver knows where to stop, and that when that happens, the others are going to have to give him their trust. Kate and Sayid are very in.

So the van stops, the door opens, and it’s — Ana Lucia. They’re on a dock, I think. Ana Lucia uncuffs them as Hurley drives up with the bribe money. He recognizes Ana Lucia, but she doesn’t recognize Hurley. Desmond and Hurley quickly work out that Sayid will go with Hurley, and Kate will go with Desmond in Hurley’s Camaro. (Ana Lucia? “She’s not ready yet.”) Kate’s all, “Wha?” Desmond hands her a black dress and announces that they’re going to a concert.

Well. This should be good. Whatever happens in the finale, at least we’ll have some fine music — played, doubtless, by David, Daniel and Charlie; observed by everyone who was on the original flight, plus David’s mother — who I think we’re all assuming is Juliet.

Four days. Start reviewing.

But I’ll try, because I love you that much.

Previously: Nothing happened.

It’s an old story, sibling rivalry. There’s a reason it keeps getting told: Whoever you are, it hits home. If you didn’t vie with a sibling, you probably had a frenemy in school. If you weren’t trying to get a parents’ approval, you’ve probably squared off for a promotion. So this is all going to sound very familiar, except possibly the part about the shipwreck.

Speaking of: There’s a shipwreck, of course. Isn’t there always a shipwreck? Along with the wreckage, a lone woman washes up. She’s wearing a toga-type thing, and she is, of course, very pregnant. She’s grateful to be cared for by weaver Allison Janney. Allison Janney is wearing a toga-type thing with a kind of net snood over a bun; between that, the newcomer’s name being Claudia — and, oh yes, all the Latin — we are given to understand that these are Roman times. Not particularly specific, but at least we have a general idea. Point is, this is a while back.

Claudia goes into labor, of course, and gives birth to a son: Jacob. She and Allison Janney are quite surprised to find that there’s another baby in there, too. Claudia had only thought of one name. She doesn’t live long enough to think of another one, thanks to Allison Janney apologetically ending her life with a rock.

(So what do we call this other kid in the recap? I guess we could go with Esau, but that’s mixing up our literatures. Quick glances at lists of Roman mythological characters reveal no apparent Jacob, or Jacobus, or Iakobus, with brothers. I’m just going to call him NJ: Not-Jacob. That’s sort of the point anyway.)

Off-screen, the twins are raised to early adolescence by Allison Janney, whom they call “Mother,” since that’s what she’s told them. So we will, too, because it’s their story, and because it’s faster than typing “Allison Janney”. Jacob is a towhead who wears light colors; the dark-haired Not-Jacob is a proto-Goth. Mother weaves things and tells her boys that the three of them are the only people on the island, and, further, that there’s nothing across the sea.

Jacob and Not-Jacob, like all mythological twins, love each other but seem to be competing for Mother’s affections. She definitely has her impressions of them: Jacob is the good boy, and Not-Jacob is… not Jacob. Which is not a bad thing.

Around the time that Jacob grows into that kid who will later haunt NotLocke, two things happen. First, Not-Jacob finds a box that contains a game with white and black rocks, bearing a superficial reference to backgammon. Not-Jacob asks Jacob not to tell Mother about it, but she gets Jacob to spill easily enough — as she tells Not-Jacob, Jacob doesn’t know how to lie; “he’s not like you.” So what does that make Not-Jacob? Per Mother, “Special.” Also, they’re never going to have to worry about “dead”.

Second, the boys learn that they’re not alone on the Island. When they ask Mother what was up with those mysterious men who felled the boar that they’d been chasing, she gets all muttery. The men don’t belong here, she says. They’re not like us; we’re here for a reason. She blindfolds the boys and leads them to that reason, muttering all the while about how the men always come and fight and corrupt, refusing to give a straight answer about where the came from. And then she pulls the blindfolds off and shows them the reason they’re there: At the end of a stream, there’s an entrance to a tunnel, and from it, golden light emits. It’s very Disneyland. Mother explains that they’re there to protect that light source, because if they don’t, then people will interfere with it, and then the spark of it in all men will die. But they can’t go in there. Someday, one of them is going to have to take over. (Jacob, paraphrased: “Cool.” Not-Jacob, paraphrased: “Huh? And, yeah, NO.”) Oh, and she’s made it so they can’t hurt each other. Remember how NotLocke said he had a crazy mother? I’m starting to see his point.

One day, the boys are playing the game. Not-Jacob has made up the rules, which don’t favor Jacob. Not-Jacob sweetly tells Jacob he’ll be able to make up his own rules one day. His next taunt is cut short when Not-Jacob gets a vision of his dead mother (not visible to Jacob), who tells him that not only is Mother not his mother, but that she’s been lying to him about there not being anything else out there. As proof, DeadMom leads Not-Jacob to a camp populated by her fellow passengers, the people who’d wrecked on another part of the island. She tells him that these are his people, that they came from across the sea.

To say that this all screws with Not-Jacob’s worldview is an understatement. He returns home and quietly tells Jacob they’re leaving. Jacob’s all, wait, what, nameless brother? Not-Jacob tells him that their lives are a lie, so Jacob beats him up. Mother pulls him off, and Not-Jacob confronts her with the whole origins thing. In the end, Not-Jacob leaves to be with his biological people, though Mother warns him that no matter what they tell him, they’ll never leave the Island. Jacob, ever the good boy, stays with Mother.

And this is how things go on for 30 years. The boys grow into Mark Pelligrino and Titus Welliver. Mother starts getting tired. Jacob pays visits to Not-Jacob, not sharing much with Mother. One day, as they play that game, Not-Jacob explains that the settlers are just as awful as Mother said, but they’re a means to an end. Not-Jacob is determined to leave the island, and he seems to be onto something. He illustrates by flinging his dagger against the side of a well, where it sticks, thanks to — I’m guessing — magnetism. Not-Jacob explains that when he and his people find spots where metal behaves strangely, they dig. Not-Jacob asks Jacob to come with him when he leaves, but Jacob stubbornly refuses to leave the only home he’s ever known. Back at that home, Mother, of course, knows where her golden boy’s been. Jacob tells her that Not-Jacob has found a way to leave the Island.

Mother goes to visit Not-Jacob. She finds him in the bottom of a well, where he’s tending a coal fire. Not-Jacob explains that since he’s never been able to find the Disneyland valley, they were digging to find the source of the light, and pries a rock out of the wall to reveal that they have. There’s the Frozen Donkey Wheel under construction, and Not-Jacob says something technical that works out to making bigger holes and channeling currents so he can get off the island. Or, um, something like that. Before he say anything sensible, Mother apologetically rams him into a wall, leaving him for dead.

So Jacob’s going to have to be the one to take care of the light — life, death, rebirth, the source, the heart of the island, Mother calls it at various times in the conversation. But he can’t go down there. She pours a cup of wine, mutters over it in Latin; and, since he doesn’t seem to think he has a choice, Jacob accepts the cup. Jacob has a sneaking suspicion that she really wanted Not-Jacob to do it, but he’s a good son and takes on the responsibility, agreeing to pick a successor when his time is over. This is all sealed with a sip of wine. “Now you and are the same,” Mother says.

Not-Jacob wakes up next to the well. The back of his head’s bloody, but since he can’t die, overall he’s none the worse for wear. He discovers that the well’s been filled in and the walls partially knocked down. How long was he out? And then he sees some smoke, and runs to it, and finds that the camp he’s called home for so long has been burned and its people slaughtered. It’s never said, but the implication is clear: This was Mother’s work. The only other possible suspect was Jacob, and that hot bundle of sweetness and light and listening to one’s mother? Pfft. Not-Jacob is distraught, but not so distraught that he doesn’t grab the game.

As you knew he would, Not-Jacob goes to the cave home and kills Mother with the dagger. In her dying moments, Not-Jacob asks Mother why she won’t let him leave. “I love you,” she says. And, “Thank you.”

When Jacob discovers Not-Jacob hovering over Mother’s body with a bloody dagger, he goes a little nuts, as you knew he would. He beats up the already-ragged Not-Jacob and takes him to the magical Disney valley. There’s some scuffling, and Jacob finally knocks him out. “You want to leave this place? Then go,” Jacob snarls, and shoves his brother down the stream, into the golden tunnel. And then… the light goes out. Good job protecting it, Jaco… holy hell, what was that? Why, that’s Smokey shooting out of of the tunnel. When Jacob finds Not-Jacob some distance away, Not-Jacob looks pretty dead.

Somberly, Jacob brings Not-Jacob’s body back to the cave, where he lays it next to Mother’s body. He leaves them there with a pouch containing a light stone and a dark stone from the game.

And, many years later, Jack and Kate discover Adam and Eve.

So, to sum up: The battle between Jacob and Smokey is sibling rivalry between the good son who wants to stay on the island like Mother said, and the bad boy who wants to leave. There’s a glowy light which is the “heart of the Island,” which actually sounds a little like the eye of the TARDIS. This magnetic light seems to have somehow turned Not-Jacob into Smokey — but’s also possible that it was sitting on top of Smokey, and Not-Jacob’s arrival is what set Smokey free. Whatever the relationship there is, the ability to turn into Smokey hasn’t helped Not-Jacob leave the island. There are rules, which involve not dying. Adam and Eve are Mother and Not-Jacob. The blond kid NotLocke sees is a young Jacob, either Not-Jacob’s remembrance of his brother or some kind of reincarnation.

All of this could have been avoided if Mother had just told the kids what the hell was going on. Instead, Mother played the young men off against each other, and the push-pull between Jacob and not-Jacob was going to keep going until one of them died, and maybe Not-Jacob thought that without his goody-goody brother blocking his way, he could leave the island. Or something. We’ll see. All I can say for sure is: the “Lost” creative team has three and a half hours left to answer a whole lot of questions. We’ve been along for the ride for this long, and I’m in for these last couple of weeks. But why do I feel a “Sopranos” ending coming on?

Island Timeline

Jack comes to in a beached canoe. Rough night at the Kitty? Sayid’s there, and fills Jack in, inasmuch as there’s anything to fill him in on. NotLocke arrives to add that there’s this little situation, and it needs to be solved in order to get everyone off the island. Jack agrees to help, but emphasizes that he’s not leaving the island.

The rest of the Losties are strolling through the Hydra compound when one of the redshirts who usually has lines orders them into one of the cages. Sawyer, not wild at the prospect of being in there again, grabs the guy’s gun and makes it very clear that he’s not going in. Widmore, exasperated, enters the scene and threatens to kill Kate if Sawyer doesn’t comply. Kate tells Sawyer not to comply, and we all yell, “Yes, don’t comply!” But Sawyer knows that Kate’s not a candidate, so Widmore doesn’t actually need her; so he lowers his gun and allows himself to be herded in with the rest of the crew, because he lurrrrrves her. He explains as much to Kate, leaving out the lurrrrrve part, while Sun catches up Jin on their daughter (in English; I guess they blew the chyron budget on the Kwon-centric episode) and Hurley, Frank and Claire stand around and look like scenery.

And then the lights cut out, and there are shouts of the generator being down, which means the Pylons of Protection are useless, and, sure enough, Smokey comes through. The redshirt with lines meets his maker against the bars of the cage. When the metaphorical and literal smoke clear, the guy’s sprawled on the ground, the key just a bit more than an arm’s length away. Kate tries to stretch for it. Frank gets tired of waiting for her to grow a longer arm and starts trying to kick the door open. Jack shows up, grabs the key, unlocks the door, announces that he’s with Smokey and frees them all. Right, then.

Next stop: the Ajira plane. NotLocke, de-Smokefied, dispatches a couple of uselessly armed redshirts, grabs one of their digital watches and climbs into the plane’s cabin, where he notices a wire that leads to something in an overhead compartment.

Back on the ground, NotLocke explains to his assembled troops that they’re not taking the plane, because Widmore’s rigged it with these blocks of explosives, one of which he displays. Change of plans: The sub it is. Sawyer’s all, hi, I’ve been saying that for the last few episodes. But he doesn’t press the point, because he’s appreciative of Locke for having saved their asses twice. Which we all know means that he’s about to pretend to go along with what NotLocke says to distract from having a plan of his own. Sure enough, as everyone begins the trek towards the sub, Sawyer hangs back and instructs Jack to keep NotLocke off the sub. Somehow, this will involve getting NotLocke into the water.

NotLocke’s army crouches down in the foliage near the guarded sub dock, looking like nothing so much as a bunch of Ewoks about to respond to a John Williams trumpet blast. A plan quickly materializes: Some of them will charge forward and pick off the guards, almost everyone else will follow, and Jack and NotLocke will cover them. Jack emphasizes, for about the tenth time this episode, that he’s not leaving the island, just in case we didn’t feel the anvil on our toes the first nine times. Also, the show takes pains to show us, both Jack and NotLocke take off their backpacks. So a bunch of them rush forward, and NotLocke hands Jack a pack, and there’s scuffling and shooting, and two important things happen: Jack knocks NotLocke into the water, and Kate finally gets shot. Jack springs into doctor mode and helps get Kate into the sub. Sawyer yells for Claire, the only one who hasn’t made it onto the boat, but then there’s NotLocke, climbing out of the water, completely dry save for a wet shirt. Sawyer slams the hatch door shut.

So, let’s reset. In the sub: Jack, Kate, Jin, Sun, Sawyer, Hurley and Sayid. Oh, plus Frank, who’s sent to intimidate the captain. Jack tends to Kate, asking Jin to grab his backpack. When Jack opens it, he finds a bomb, fashioned from a block of the plane explosives and the redshirt’s digital watch. Gotta hand it to NotLocke: That’s one ingenious supernatural entitity. The bomb’s set to go off in a bit under four minutes. Sayid takes a look at the bomb, muttering something about how if these two particular wires are pulled out simultaneously, it should theoretically stop the countdown. Sawyer’s all for pulling the wires out, but Jack stops him.

Jack’s been doing some piecing-together, and here’s what he’s figured out: NotLocke wanted to get them all on this sub together. Due to a rule in some unexplained game, NotLocke can’t kill them, so they shouldn’t be in danger from the bomb. They’re in danger from each other. NotLocke wants them to kill each other off. But Sawyer’s all, yeah, whatever, gonna yank those wires out now to stop the bomb. This stops the watch for long enough for Sawyer to look smug. And then the watch starts counting down again, but really, really quickly. Damn. And it’ll take at least five minutes to get the sub back to the surface. Crap.

Sayid grabs the bomb. He tells Jack that he left Desmond in a well on the Island, and he needs to go pull him out. Jack looks puzzled, and asks “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because it’s going to be you, Jack,” Sayid says quickly. And then he runs as far away as he can get in the few seconds remaining. So when the bomb goes off, it just takes Sayid with it. ‘Bye, Sayid. You were a bad zombie, but a good martyr.

Frank notices the sudden sirens and flashy red lights and leaves the control room to investigate. He notices some water seeping in from around a door. Before he has a chance to fully complete the thought that, yeah, this can’t be good, the water comes rushing in, and he gets hit with a door.

Action sequence time! Water starts filling the cabin. Kate’s unconscious and Sun’s trapped against a wall by some… I don’t know, cabinet or something. Jack, Jin and Sawyer are successful in moving the cabinet, but then it turns out she’s also trapped by… I don’t know, a railing or something. Jack tells Hurley to swim up to the surface with Kate and a convenient air canister. Somehow, Sawyer gets knocked out, too. Jack tries to help free Sun, but it’s not looking good, so he finally heeds Jin’s urgings to get out of there with Sawyer. Alone now, Jin keeps trying to free Sun, and she keeps telling him to go, and he keeps insisting he won’t leave her, and it’s not like they have a KID or anything. So, with Hurley, Kate, Jack and Sawyer on their way, Jin and Sun pledge their love until they meet their mutual watery end.

And then ABC cuts to that commercial with the guy on the pier and the gum and the shark. Smooth, guys. Not.

Jack revives Sawyer on the beach. Hurley and Kate join them. Jack reports that Jin and Sun didn’t make it. Hurley cries. Jack cries. Everyone cries. Shut up, I am not crying, too. I just have something in my eye. And, um, allergies. Anyway, you’re one to talk. I see that tissue.

Back on the dock, Claire’s having her usual abandonment issues. NotLocke assures Claire that she really doesn’t want to be on that sub. And then he leaves to finish what he started, whatever that means.

That Sideways Timeline

Dr. Jack greets a back-from-the-sedative Locke. Somewhere in the middle of noting the crazy coincidence that they’d just been on a plane together, Jack explains to Locke that he was run over, and he’d be fine, and, actually, Jack thinks Locke might be a candidate. For some surgery, he means, surgery that might enable Locke to walk again. Locke’s “thanks, but no thanks” answer rather mystifies Jack, but Helen’s arrival means Jack doesn’t get a chance to pursue it.

So, being all snoopy, Jack checks Locke’s records off-screen and gets himself to a dentist who’d performed some oral surgery on Locke, or something. Doesn’t matter. What matters is that the dentist is Bernard, who remember Jack from the plane, even if Jack was too busy flirting with Bernard’s wife to have taken notice of him. Bernard can’t tell Jack much, due to those pesky confidentiality rules, but the coincidence of them having met before prompts him to reveal that, for some reason, he knows the name of the guy who was in the accident with Locke: Anthony Cooper. Jack’s a bit surprised, but Bernard’s attitude is very, “Dude. Major plot point. My work is done here.”

Jack tracks Anthony Cooper down to a nursing home, where he runs into Helen. When Jack tells Helen who he’s there to see, she implores him to leave. He won’t, so she reluctantly introdces him to Anthony Cooper, a paralyzed, possibly vegetative man in a wheelchair who also happens to be Locke’s father.

Back at the hospital, Jack checks in with Locke, who’s muttering something in his sleep about pushing a button. Locke wakes up, but before Jack can get too personal, he catches sight of Claire, who’s there looking for Jack. (The lawyer told her where he works, but it shouldn’t have been too hard for even a nitwit like Claire to figure out, there only being one hospital in all of Los Angeles.) Their mutual father wanted her to have this little music box, and Claire’s stumped as to why. She asks Jack to take a look, and he does. Looking inside doesn’t reveal any information, but it does give us a Very Significant Shot of Jack and Claire reflected in the same mirror, and a Very Significant Music Box Selection of “Catch a Falling Star,” so mission accomplished. Jack ends up inviting Claire to stay with him. They may be strangers, but they’re family.

Jack catches Locke upon check-out and asks why he won’t have the surgery. Turns out that, once upon a time, Locke was an amateur pilot, and he begged his father to be his first solo pilot. And then — well, he doesn’t know what went wrong, but Locke’s in a wheelchair and Anthony Cooper is completely paralyzed. Jack points out that whatever happened, happened; and, as Locke pointed out to Jack back in the season premiere, both of their fathers are gone. Locke chooses to keep punishing himself. “I wish you believed me,” Jack says sadly, as Locke wheels himself away.

While all this is happening, Jin is rushing down the hall with flowers, presumably for Sun. Because this is, of course, the only hospital in all of Los Angeles.

Okay. So. You know I usually don’t do any speculation, but I can’t help it here. We’re given to believe that Jin, Sun, Sayid and Frank all died on the sub. I can kind of buy Sayid sacrificing himself as an act of redemption. Jin and Sun… well, it’s sad, and I can’t quite buy that the show would orphan another fictional kid, but couples have wanted to die together as far back as Baucis and Philemon, and you know how obsessed this show is with mythologies. But schlep Frank along all season just to have him the first one down in a sub destruction? Really? I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than meets the eye.

Next week: Light side, dark side, hot physical manifestations of supernatural entitites. The usual, then.