“Ninja Assassin” is the story of a young boy who is trained by a secret society of ninjas to be a merciless killing machine. Upon witnessing the brutal murder of a friend, Raizo (played by Korean pop star Rain) escapes from the clan and plots his unyielding revenge. Let’s be honest though, if you’re going to see this film, you’re not going for the “story”. Ninja Assassin is exactly what you think it is: an adrenaline fueled, slice-and-dice, blood-spilling good time.

A solid storyline fuels the otherwise-pointless action sequences, and gives you just enough substance to keep you holding on between what can only be described as a parade of severed body parts. The addition of the none too original, often cringing, back story features a young Raizo being trained as a Ninja and regularly beaten for his failures. While scenes of a bloody, scar covered child may be too much for some, it preaches loud and clear the message that “this guy is hardcore.” If still not convinced, the all-too-expected Eighties-style montage of push-ups on nails, dual katana flailing, and slick ninja star throwing will further pound home the message “this guy is REALLY hardcore.”

What, you wanted a Merchant Ivory pic? Wrong movie, bub.

While the ambiguous nature of this film is often distracting, flipping between elements of a real world feel to a very absurd comic book texture, the excessive blood spatter rarely allows time to focus on such quibbles. This movie takes about three minutes to let you know what it sets out to do, which one could only assume would be to spew as much blood out of as many bodies as fast as possible.

“Ninja Assassin” is not a date movie. It’s not a movie for those with weak stomachs. It’s not a movie for those looking to find an epic arthouse film that will make you take a serious inventory of your soul. “Ninja Assassin” is a movie for the kind of person who enjoys seeing someone’s face ripped off with a ninja star. “Ninja Assassin” is a movie for the kind of person who enjoys seeing one man take on 50 men, effortlessly, and win. “Ninja Assassin” is a movie for me.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox:

Dear 20th Century Fox, I feel as if the movie industry is currently lacking excitement. I feel that the only thing to re energize my love for movies is if you make a movie where Master Splinter takes on a bunch of Tonka Trucks. Only then will I…. wait…. What?!?!?! There is already a movie like this being released!!! Amazing!! Or… Fantastic!!! Many nights I’ve sat alone thinking to myself “I wonder what would happen is Wallace and Gromit had movie sex with Oceans 11” Today I see the outcome. The Fantastic Mr. Fox looks incredible, if you find things that suck to be incredible, which I don’t. Stop motion movies aren’t cool. “but they take so much time and effort to…” I DON’T CARE!! Just because something takes longer and requires more effort doesn’t make it good. If I crafted I perfect replica of the Statue Of Liberty out of my own feces, that would be an incredible feat but I’d bet that you’d still eat a pudding pack instead of it any day. Let’s just assume based on that beautifully crafted analogy that I am fully able to deflect all future arguments but refuse to do so based on time. That being said, I will not be seeing this movie because a flaming needle filled with herpes seems far more appealing and entertaining than a bunch of puppet foxes doing dumb stuff no one cares about.

Saw 6:

Upon first viewing this “trailer” I thought to myself “How the &*%$ have there been 6 of these films already??” And by “films” I of course mean, catheter injections to society. This “trailer” was nothing more than a scrolling cesspool of obscure dark images mimicking that of a start menu for a crappy Nintendo 64 game. Don’t worry though. The whole “6” thing wasn’t lost on me. The obvious genius behind this being the 6th film and all the Microsoft Word style fonts that floated by with things like “6 chances” “6 lessons” “6 choices” are quite brilliant to say the least. Had any one of them said “7 chances” I would have been forced to blow my brains out with insanity and confusion. I’ll admit, I enjoyed the first Saw film. It’s kind of like sex though, you really enjoy it the first time and then you realize you have aids and think that the only way life can be worse is if they keep pounding out crappy uninspired horror flicks. I lost track of my whole thought there but I’m sure my point is clear. If you are white trash and or partially retarded, you will go see Saw 6 and love it. The rest of us who love America and support the troops will stay home and wait for a really incredible movie to force us to leave the house….. like Wild Wild West 2.

The Book Of Eli:

When I’m sitting at my computer with an erection I’m not normally surfing a movie trailer site. Today is the exception! Honestly, If this trailer were 2:30 of a black screen with lettering saying “Denzel Washington f**** s*** up!!!” I’d be in line at midnight ready to watch. That’s because I love stuff that is awesome, and Denzel Washington viciously beating people to a pulp is certified awesome!! Seeing this trailer today is the first I’ve heard of this movie and after watching it I have no clue what this movie is about and I don’t care. If this movie was called “Meatspin: The Movie” I would still go see it based on this incredible trailer. When you’re at the midnight showing and you hear some guy in the back with his pants off panting loudly in amazement at this film…. Come say hi, I’d love to meet you.

Shutter Island:

Leonardo DiCaprio is a chode. Yah, I’d love to leave my review at just that but unfortunately this is a Martin Scorsese film which warrants much more attention. What can I say? It’s a Scorsese film, which means it’ll never get the appreciation it deserves when it’s no doubt a classic. People who loved Epic Movie, and Dance Flick will miss this movie because they’re too busy drinking Keystone Light singing along with their Big Mouth Billy Bass and screaming “Get Er Done!!” People like myself will take a few hours of their day to stop wishing one of previously mentioned gets drunk enough to test out the new shotgun on their own faces to go and enjoy what appears to be an incredibly amazing film. If you can resist the urge to urinate on your Leonardo DeCaprio voodoo doll like I will be doing this definitely looks like a film worth checking out.