The Year’s 11 Notable Cinematic Beards [2011 Wrap-Up]

As you might remember from last year, I dig beards in movies. I love them in all shapes, sizes, volume, and color. It’s gotten to the point where people come up to me now to let me know which beard they prefered in a particular film—and I am quite honestly honored that others have taken up the beard torch. Facial hair is great, and while 2011 may have been a little bare in the face muff department, I was still able to pick out eleven remarkable beards you too can salivate over as you ring in 2012. (Take note Hollywood – we demand more beards!)

Let’s get started, shall we? No need to bring Father Time into all this.

11. “Kung Fu Panda 2″ – While the year wasn’t the most memorable when it came to animated films, there were a few released that featured beardy faces. Starting with May’s “Kung Fu Panda 2″ Dustin Hoffman’s wise red panda character, Shifu, sported a very impressive fu Manchu. As one might expect for an aged alternative panda, the whisker construction is both dignified and rugged. Despite what we know of Shifu’s, er unconventional, teaching methods, his scraggy white moustache almost makes him appear docile rather than scrappy and cunning. Oh, but we should know better now after two movies.

10. “Anonymous” - There is nothing I love more than a historically accurate beard. Throw in some intrigue, a Shakespearacy (All rights reserved, Kate Erbland), and Rhy Ifans as the well-respected Earl of Oxford, who is quickly descending into madness as result of the voices in his head. Not those kinds of voices, but the kinds that any writer understands—the kind that cannot be quieted until each and every word is written out on parchment with delicate attention to detail. I get this. What we also get are delightful scenes upon scenes of the sharp, pointy white beard Oxford’s ink-stained fingers twiddle with whenever his stress level reaches insurmountable peaks. If to be but a hand in that beard… am I right, ladies?

9. “Country Strong” - Tim McGraw is not known for his impressive acting prowess. Nor is he known for having a full head of hair. But what he lacks on his cranium he far than makes up for on his…well…chin. As James Canter, the husband-manager of recovering alcoholic country singer Kelly Canter (Gwyneth Paltrow), McGraw’s brash demeanor, disapproving head shakes, and ethically questionable desire to make a quick buck off his sick wife is perfectly complimented by some of the thickest facial scruff in Nashville. I often questioned if the fullness was due to some wig-like enhancements, but I couldn’t bring myself to not fantasize about losing my lipstick somewhere around his left jowl. The film might not be a great work of art, but it’s a guilty pleasure for the sexy music and the even sexier beard.

8. “Martha Marcy May Marlene” - You guys, can we talk about John Hawkes for a second? I mean, that man really knows how to act the crap out of any role he takes on. From “Deadwood” to “Winter’s Bone” Hawkes has proven role after role that he is one of the most chameleon-like players working today. His character Patrick in this October’s unnerving exploration into the questionability of memory, “Martha Marcy May Marlene,” elevated the actor to a new plane: sexy-creepy. And what better way to accept that distinction than with a gnarly cult-leader beard. That’s right dear reader, Hawkes portrays a character so disturbing yet enticing that when you’re not squirming in your seat or mumbling encouragment under your breath for all the followers to flee this crazy man, you’re imagining what it might feel like to wake up with that beard-scruff on your neck. Mind you, when you wake up in that particular circumstance it will be after he drugged and raped you.

7. “Gnomeo and Juliet” - Moving on from cults and rapes and such, let’s take a look at a more darling type of beard. I love an animated 3D beard, but I especially love when that animated beard is painted on a garden gnome. I knew I would love “Gnomeo and Juliet” regardless of how silly the plot or slight the character development (spoiler alert: it’s ADORABLE), but I had no idea just how dizzy I would feel spending 90-plus minutes with two armies of bearded garden gnomes. It was like Christmas, my birthday, and South By Southwest all collided in my living room and I never had to get out of my pajamas to enjoy it (except I saw it in a theater, where I did, in fact, have to put on real pants). The attention to detail is undeniable, as all the gnomey beards looked beautifully hand-painted and unique to each gnome buddy. Gosh, I’m getting giddy again just thinking about it.

6. “Beginners” - Mike Mills’ autobiographical “Beginners” was not only my favorite film of the year, by a landslide, but it was also a beautiful film about sadness, loneliness, commitment phobia, love, and death. Otherwise: the perfect example of “first world problems.” The film gets a bad rap for just that, but even people in the first world can feel sad and lonely after they lose a loved one or scared to fall in love again for the final time. And as Ewan McGregor (Oliver) proved, first world people can also grow some pretty impressive sadness beard. Grouped with his striped shirts, unnecessary-in-LA scarves, and his “talking” dog Arthur, Oliver’s sadness beard is the perfect accessory to this heart-wrenching film.

5. “Bellflower” - Speaking of “first world problems,” may I introduce to you summer’s “Bellflower?” This debut film from writer-director-star Evan Glodell (Woodrow) presents a world where love and hate live in conjunction. Anyone who’s ever had his or her heart snatched, massaged, torn from its chest-home, and then lit on fire in front of everyone can relate to this sad-sad-hipster film. (psst, that’s all of us) But more idyllic than setting your cheating ex’s belongs ablaze on her front lawn is the delicious break-up beard Woodrow sports during the second half of the film. He shields his emotions with his beard, looks tough when driving around Bellflower in his hand-built muscle car, Medusa, and he even lets blood dry in the follicles before the film’s end. For a man whose hero is Lord Humungus, Woodrow really knows how to grow an intimidating chin mask.

4. “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2″ - As this is the last year (until the inevitable reboot starts filming) that we can talk about a new “Harry Potter” film, I think it’s only fair to doff our caps to hair and make-up artists behind the burly transformation of Robbie Coltrane into Rubeus Hagrid, Gameskeeper of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The man has endured years of beard-wig glue and idolizing in the Bear community, it’s about time he gets a little love for looking so tough yet tender with a beard as long as a person.

3. “Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop” - One either loves or hates Conan O’Brien, there is virtually no middle ground when it comes to the cooky ginger. Throughout his documentary “Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop” the audience is treated to an intimate look in the months following his unceremonious dismissal from NBC’s “Tonight Show” in 2010. He spends the days planning a nation-wide comedy tour and growing one full red beard as his rebellion from two decades playing corporate pony. Coco’s beard got almost as much attention during his hiatus as the man sporting it, and it’s no mystery why. A solidarity beard is even more memorable when it tells the story of a lost man once again finding his way.

2. “The Adventures of Tintin” - And for our final animated beard of the year; ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis). Just look at that lush face bush. I promise you it is worth all the 3D price inflation AMC Theaters demands. While the movie wasn’t one of my particular favorites of the year, I could not keep myself giggling with joy every time our favorite drunk ship captain-turned-hostage-turned-Tintin-accomplice appeared to slur his whiskey-soaked tongue through each scene. What a true hero to all beardist and beard lovers around. Also, the man can rock the heck out of a blue wool nautical embellished turtleneck.

1. “Our Idiot Brother” - I am not going to try to convince you that “Our Idiot Brother” is one of the finer filmic offerings of 2011. On the contrary, it was probably one of my least favorite films (I have trouble with underdeveloped, shrewish women written by men who seem to, in fact, hate women. See also: Katherine Heigl in EVERYTHING). But at its heart “OIB” did have a tender sensitivity that I can’t deny charmed me. It also featured three leading men with three varying length of beard. From star Paul Rudd’s (Ned) full hippie beard to T.J. Miller’s (Billy) patchy mess, to the attractive five-o’clock shadow of TV’s Adam Scott (Jeremy), “Our Idiot Brother” far exceeded even my beardy expectations. Nothing this year can truly compare.