TwiHards, You’ve Gone Too Far

All right, so if you know me at all, you know that I think “Twilight” is a load of crap. A load of poorly written crap. (So far, the best part of writing this is that I get to put “Twilight” in quotes. I feel kind of like I’m making fun of it already.)

Yes, feel free to send me hate mail (shine [at] redcarpetcrash [dot] com).

But here’s the thing: I’m not going to stop the ever loving nightmare that is “Twilight.” I’m just one relatively normal-sized person. Rarely does anyone listen to me. If you want evidence, just look at how many of my girlfriends are repeating the same man mistakes over and over again, against my advice.

But I digress (on purpose, for those of you who feel like a digression means I don’t know how to use the delete button; sometimes digression has a purpose).

Since we all know I get most of my news via Twitter and since some of us know I’m kind of a raging feminist, today’s news comes to you via those two channels. (Okay, I’m only partially a raging feminist. I’m a complicated and unique snowflake, people.)

I’m going to try to prepare you for what you’re about to see in a PG-13 sort of way, but no guarantees. Parents, avert your children’s eyes. Hell, avert your own eyes. This is disturbing.

I haven’t read the books or seen the movies, because, well, I’d like to keep my brains inside my head, thank you. This isn’t to say that everyone who reads these books is stupid, mind you. Some of my very intelligent friends have read them. Some of them even liked them. I’m just saying that if I tried to read them, my head would explode.

And I’m no innocent flower here. I’ve happily watched hundreds of episodes of “Star Trek” (which, c’mon, is cheesy). I will watch completely awful crap like “Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat II Challenge” or “Brett Michaels Rock of Love”. I love “NCIS,” despite knowing that it’s terrible. The only difference is that I rarely hear people making the same noise about shows like these. I mean, yes, “Star Trek” has some pretty serious fans, but I think all of them would admit that the show has some cheesy dialogue and has absolutely nothing to do with real life. (Some) TwiHards, on the other hand, seem to think that these stories are the way life should be (okay, there are probably some “Star Trek” fans like this, too, but we all make fun of them!). And to that I say, “Get out of my reality.” This story has so many holes, it makes Swiss cheese look good.

First, there’s a distinct vampire problem. As in, these aren’t vampires you’re reading about, people. For many reasons, not the least of which – they have no problem being out in the sun. And better than that? They sparkle. SPARKLE.

Also, they’re “vegetarians.” Oh, except of course, that the author didn’t understand the term “vegetarian” any more than the term “vampire.” They’re “vegetarians” because they only feed on animals. Did you get that? They feed on animals, so that makes them vegetarians. Riiight.

These two atrocities alone make me want to puke, but combined with the horrible writing, it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’ll never go anywhere near this train wreck. And the ridiculousness of some (read: most) “Twilight” fans only makes it worse.

Case in point:

Just in case you’re not sure what to make of that, it seems (according to Jezebel, where I hijacked these pictures) that a particularly crafty (and possibly mentally unstable) TwiHard made BELLA’S WOMB OUT OF FELT. Is anyone else noticing that it looks like a 1980s porn in there? Bella, maybe you should invest in some intra-uterine waxing.

Inside? A felt fetus.

What fetus, I’m not sure, as from what I’ve gathered about the fourth book (it’s four, right?) (Oh, possible SPOILER ALERT.) (Who am I kidding? As if you can spoil this after Stephanie Meyer had her hands on it.), this fetus could only have been in Bella’s womb in about the first 25 seconds of implantation.

Anyone else hearing undertones of “life begins at conception” from Meyer? Maybe that’s just me.

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about (you’re probably a better human for it), in the fourth book, Bella and Mr. Sparkle-pire have married and are on their honeymoon. Where they can’t make the sex because uh, dude is worried that his junk is too powerful. Bella gets knocked up, but the baby GROWS SO FAST. It breaks her ribs and severs her spine and then she gives birth to it via emergency fake vampire C-section (must be performed with completely sterile teeth) and the baby pops out fully formed and communicates its thoughts to the whole world and the llama-nosed wolf guy falls immediately and madly in love with it.

It was written by a Mormon, after all. Take from that what you will.

Of course, the best part is that this gem of a “plot” will actually be made into two movies. Yes, two. Because the book, apparently, is eleventy million pages long. Personally, I’d rather see “Sex and the City 3″ than have to listen to the screaming and silliness of tween and adult TwiHards alike for another two movie releases.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “That Shine is a lying liar pants on fire. No way could you know that much about something you’ve never read.”

But that’s where you’d be wrong, dear Crashers. In an effort to convince me either to read the things or that they read the things because they were so bad (neither was successful), my friends have sent me many links to many synopses of “Twilight.” So unfortunately, I know far more than I ever wanted to know.

Your very own Devin sent me an amazing letter written by a TwiHard to Universal Pictures claiming that they should fear a lawsuit for ripping off Meyer’s werewolves with their “Wolfman.” Uh, except that the original of that movie was made in the ‘30s. Seriously, TwiHards, how ‘bout a fact checking session?

Just so we’re clear, I am now and will always be: Team Edward (James Olmos)