REVIEW: ‘Killers’

You probably already know that Lionsgate opted not to allow screenings for their latest release,” Killers” staring Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl.

In the world of movie reviewing that usually means one thing: You think your movie is a stinker.

(I wonder why they didn’t take this approach with “Sex and the City 2,” frankly.)

Lionsgate refused to admit this, stating instead that they wanted to promote their movie through word of mouth and Ashton Kutcher’s super Twitter abilities. He has over a million followers, you know. I hear some of them can even spell.

I don’t know if you’re buying what Lionsgate is selling; I’m not. If they truly wanted to use word of mouth and Twitter to promote their movie, they probably would have skipped the trailers and previews, right?

I’ve outsmarted them, though. Sort of. Because I’m kind of a glutton for punishment and because I love a good train wreck, I went to see “Killers” this weekend. The theater was only at about half capacity, so it’s clear I wasn’t the only one who was skeptical about paying $10.50 to see this flick.

The basic premise is this (and I’ll try not to ruin it for you): Boy meets girl. Boy doesn’t really bother to tell girl that he’s a spy (at least, not while she’s conscious). Girl falls in love with boy and they get married and live happily ever after in suburbia. For three years. Then All Hell Breaks Loose. Overly dramatic, kind of ridiculous things happen for the next hour. TWIST! The end.

Spencer (Kutcher) and Jen (Heigl) meet in France, while she is on vacation with her parents (Tom Selleck and Catherine O’Hara). Selleck can rock a mustache like no other, and O’Hara was absolutely convincing as the alcoholic mother. Their first date isn’t exactly the stuff of romance. It mostly consists of Jen making a fool of herself, and Spencer being charming and adorable.

I only have about two romantic bones in my body, and both of them wanted to go on a date with Ashton Kutcher right then. I’m embarrassed to admit this, since I’ve always thought Kutcher was a bit (read: completely) obnoxious.

The couple quickly get married and move to the suburbs to have a “normal life.” It’s all Spencer the Spy has ever wanted in life. He gets out of the game and starts his own construction company, where he is, of course, immediately successful. Three years into their marriage, his old spy life comes back to haunt him, much to the shock of Jen (who does a lot of screaming). The good news is, none of the trained killers who are sent to kill him know have any aim. The bad news is, neither does Spencer. Cue car chases and fight scenes. Ridiculousness ensues, but somehow our heroes’ hair is never out of place.

Jen is an uptight, neurotic, control-freak who is far too attached to her family. In case you haven’t seen many Katherine Heigl movies, this is the only role she ever plays. At least she got to keep her pretty blond hair in “Killers.”

(Aside to movie makers: Please stop trying to convince young women that this is how women are supposed to be. It’s getting old. Some of us actually have more than one dimension.)

I can buy Ashton Kutcher as goofy. I can buy him as quirky. I can even buy him holding a gun and looking serious. What I can’t buy? His Spidey-Sense “something’s not right, I’m missing something” solving clues and being smart thing.

Sorry, Ashton, but it’s just not believable.

Having said that, “Killers” wasn’t the disaster I was expecting. It had funny parts. Kutcher is ultimately likeable; Heigl is typically unbearable. It was predictable, though. I saw the “twist” at the end coming from about the first minute.

How would I rate it? Watch “True Lies” again, it’s better. I’d skip seeing this at the theater entirely, but it might be worth putting on your Netflix queue, if you want some mindless entertainment.

If you’re a die-hard Kutcher fan, he does look great without his shirt. Heigl’s teeth are pretty much the only thing you’ll notice about her. (Just as a side observation: I think she must have pissed off her makeup artist. She looked older and the colors were all wrong for her.)