REVIEW: ‘Alice in Wonderland’ (Youth Review)

The Big Picture

• The characters go nowhere.
• The CG was crap.
• The concept was good but the execution was bad.

So, as I was driving home from watching “Alice in Wonderland”, I had to really think hard about this movie. I had a really hard time describing it, even to myself. While I was watching it, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Then, we got in the car, the thrill (?) wore off a bit, and I realized… I didn’t care.

“Alice” was directed by Tim Burton (dun, dun duuuun!), written by Linda Woolverton, and based on the work of the same name by Lewis Carroll. It stars Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter. Alice (Wasikowska) has returned to Wonderland after a long absence, but she doesn’t remember anyone or anything. She has to fight as the White Queen’s (Ann Hathaway) champion, and defeat the Red Queen’s (Carter) champion, the Jabberwocky. Along the way, she is helped by the Mad Hatter (Depp), and… well, that’s really it.

One thing I am going to ask you, my dear reader, before we go on: in what universe is this a kid’s movie? I love eye-gouging, tongue-cutting, head-smashing action as much as the next girl, but seriously? However, I can see how they could get away with it. It really isn’t that realistic, and there isn’t any blood in the movie at all. That doesn’t change the fact that with scenes like that, I wouldn’t take my younger brothers to this movie!

This movie isn’t a kid’s movie, but it isn’t really compelling enough to be a teen’s movie, either. It might kinda pass for a tween’s movie, but it’s not really interesting enough for that either.

First thing that I shall address about this movie is the CG. I can point at everyone in Wonderland, except for three people, and say “Hey, look, CG!” I’m not saying it was bad CG, but it looked like a cartoon movie mixed with a good video game with a couple of real people plopped in the middle.

There’s another bad point about this movie: character development and consistency. There is no character development, at least not any that we the audience see. And Alice, I’m afraid, is a little too consistent. Throughout the entire movie, Alice is insisting that the whole thing is a dream, despite being horribly pained and severely injured several times. After about, oh, I don’t know, the first time, I would have gotten a clue already.

Also, spread throughout the movie are the occasional slow scenes that seemed like they were supposed to be emotionally important or moving scenes for the characters, but really failed to be anything at all but a way to fill up space. A few were good for a cheap laugh or two, but even those were a bit of a long shot.

May I just say that this movie had the most pointless, rushed, and boring ending I’ve ever seen? It seemed like someone just said, “Oh, hey…guys? Look how long the movie is! Don’t you think we should stop now?” It was forced and the whole movie led up to it like a freaking yellow brick road >insert catchy song and dance number This leads me to my next topic of flamage, The Mad Hatter and Alice. There’s obviously romance there, they act like there’s romance, they look like there’s romance, and romance just might save the story from the twisted wreckage it turned out to be. Finally, I end up thinking to myself, “Yeah! Romance will save the day!” But, no. Nothing. Zip, zilch, nada. Not even a kiss.

When all is said and done, I would have liked more gore, action, plot, character development, romance and creepiness. You know, little stuff like that. I came into this movie with really high expectations, and had those expectations smashed into thousands of tiny, shattering pieces with a giant CG hammer.

I think this is a movie that you should watch at the theatre once, and then forget about it. Which is all too easy to do, unfortunately.