REVIEW: ‘Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant’

When studio executives took a look at developing the “Cirque Du Freak” films as a series, dollar signs must have flashed in their eyeballs. At first glance, it appears to take bits from “Twilight” and “Harry Potter,” with lead characters in that all-important “tweener” demographic. Add in a top-notch supporting cast, sprinkle in some average special effects, and you simply can’t lose. Right?

“Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant” Rated PG-13 • 108 minutes Starring Chris Massoglia, John C. Reilly, Salma Hayek, Josh Hutcherson Directed by: Paul Weitz Written By: Paul Weitz and Brian Helgeland RCC Rating: Worth Watching On Cable

Absolutely wrong. “The Vampire’s Assistant” is a joyless bore. It took me the better part of a week to figure out why I had such an averse reaction to this movie, and I narrowed it down to two glaring reasons:

The script is a soulless, ham-fisted book adaptation. When working on bringing any printed product to the big screen, writers always run the risk of losing the spark that makes readers fall in love with it. (See: “Dune,” “The Bonfire Of The Vanities,” “Sphere,” and so many more.) With “Assistant,” writers Paul Weitz and Brian Helgeland manage to lose the key thing that makes the graphic novels so intriguing: the sense of wonder and horror at the transformation Darren Shan undergoes to save the life of his best friend, Steve. Everything’s presented so matter-of-factly that, outside of the initial freakshow that Darren and Steve first attend, nothing else has any emotional impact. And speaking of emotion…

Chris Massoglia has the charisma of a grapefruit. With such a phenomenal supporting cast, why, why did director Weitz choose a lead actor who is more bland than cardboard? As Darren, the emotional center of the whole shebang, Massoglia simply does not emote anything. Without a lead character to sympathize with, or to give a damn about, the whole movie collapses like a flan in a cupboard.

There’s a few minor quibbles, such as the complete lack of explanation of the difference between vampires and “Vampaneze,” the two warring factions Darren has to choose between; or the lackluster effects. However, while the movie is harmless enough, it shouldn’t be. Origin stories don’t need to be a massive pile of exposition, or rote breakdowns of the “rules of the road.” They should drag you in by the feet and make you beg for more. “The Vampire’s Assistant” merely makes you beg for something completely different.