I Watch Your Trailers!

Editor’s Note: I’m presenting this article the way it arrived in my Inbox. What you need to know about Matt Rayford is… the boy ain’t right. The preface to this submission read: “None of these trailers have anything to do with Will Smith, or ‘Face-Off.’ I’ll write about ‘em anyway, but they already have two strikes against ‘em.” Proceed at your peril. – DDP

The Fantastic Mr. Fox:

Dear 20th Century Fox, I feel as if the movie industry is currently lacking excitement. I feel that the only thing to re energize my love for movies is if you make a movie where Master Splinter takes on a bunch of Tonka Trucks. Only then will I…. wait…. What?!?!?! There is already a movie like this being released!!! Amazing!! Or… Fantastic!!! Many nights I’ve sat alone thinking to myself “I wonder what would happen is Wallace and Gromit had movie sex with Oceans 11” Today I see the outcome. The Fantastic Mr. Fox looks incredible, if you find things that suck to be incredible, which I don’t. Stop motion movies aren’t cool. “but they take so much time and effort to…” I DON’T CARE!! Just because something takes longer and requires more effort doesn’t make it good. If I crafted I perfect replica of the Statue Of Liberty out of my own feces, that would be an incredible feat but I’d bet that you’d still eat a pudding pack instead of it any day. Let’s just assume based on that beautifully crafted analogy that I am fully able to deflect all future arguments but refuse to do so based on time. That being said, I will not be seeing this movie because a flaming needle filled with herpes seems far more appealing and entertaining than a bunch of puppet foxes doing dumb stuff no one cares about.

Saw 6:

Upon first viewing this “trailer” I thought to myself “How the &*%$ have there been 6 of these films already??” And by “films” I of course mean, catheter injections to society. This “trailer” was nothing more than a scrolling cesspool of obscure dark images mimicking that of a start menu for a crappy Nintendo 64 game. Don’t worry though. The whole “6” thing wasn’t lost on me. The obvious genius behind this being the 6th film and all the Microsoft Word style fonts that floated by with things like “6 chances” “6 lessons” “6 choices” are quite brilliant to say the least. Had any one of them said “7 chances” I would have been forced to blow my brains out with insanity and confusion. I’ll admit, I enjoyed the first Saw film. It’s kind of like sex though, you really enjoy it the first time and then you realize you have aids and think that the only way life can be worse is if they keep pounding out crappy uninspired horror flicks. I lost track of my whole thought there but I’m sure my point is clear. If you are white trash and or partially retarded, you will go see Saw 6 and love it. The rest of us who love America and support the troops will stay home and wait for a really incredible movie to force us to leave the house….. like Wild Wild West 2.

The Book Of Eli:

When I’m sitting at my computer with an erection I’m not normally surfing a movie trailer site. Today is the exception! Honestly, If this trailer were 2:30 of a black screen with lettering saying “Denzel Washington f**** s*** up!!!” I’d be in line at midnight ready to watch. That’s because I love stuff that is awesome, and Denzel Washington viciously beating people to a pulp is certified awesome!! Seeing this trailer today is the first I’ve heard of this movie and after watching it I have no clue what this movie is about and I don’t care. If this movie was called “Meatspin: The Movie” I would still go see it based on this incredible trailer. When you’re at the midnight showing and you hear some guy in the back with his pants off panting loudly in amazement at this film…. Come say hi, I’d love to meet you.

Shutter Island:

Leonardo DiCaprio is a chode. Yah, I’d love to leave my review at just that but unfortunately this is a Martin Scorsese film which warrants much more attention. What can I say? It’s a Scorsese film, which means it’ll never get the appreciation it deserves when it’s no doubt a classic. People who loved Epic Movie, and Dance Flick will miss this movie because they’re too busy drinking Keystone Light singing along with their Big Mouth Billy Bass and screaming “Get Er Done!!” People like myself will take a few hours of their day to stop wishing one of previously mentioned gets drunk enough to test out the new shotgun on their own faces to go and enjoy what appears to be an incredibly amazing film. If you can resist the urge to urinate on your Leonardo DeCaprio voodoo doll like I will be doing this definitely looks like a film worth checking out.